Monthly Archives: September 2012

Screw Drive Me Crazy

(Edit: We are now calling the Electric Screwdriver the “Bluedriver.” This is a superior term by far.)

Hello, glamorous and fanatical Internetland. I come to you once again bearing tidings of many libations, this time from the glorious world of Screwdrivers. Though I love this simple mix, this could spell certain doom for me, as once I’m sober I’ll have to think of a title for the post that isn’t some dumb “screwed” pun. I hope I come up with something good. You, of course, dear reader, know what I came up with. Is it good? I hope so. I hope it delighted you with whimsical charm. Wish me retroactive luck, in any case.

But back on track. As I just said, I love Screwdrivers. In fact, it was really the first cocktail that I got well-acquainted with — and thus a beautiful friendship was born. Hopefully, this little adventure into the unknown won’t ruin this friendship. I’d hate for such a wedge to come in between me and vodka. (Sober edit: That wedge pun was totally unintended, but still totally awesome.)

AND SO! Without further ado, here I begin my journey. Let’s start with a basic Screwdriver, but let’s make it a little bit more interesting than just the same old vodka and orange juice deal. We are, after all, the great explorers of our generation. Indeed, many people are counting on us.

“Fancy” Screwdriver
-2 oz Vodka
-Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice
-1 Dash Orange Bitters
-Orange Wheel

The “Fancy” Screwdriver

Feel free to skip this “high class” version, and just mix your vodka and orange juice together, but I wanted to give you something a little bit better. And it is certainly better. I hardly ever use freshly squeezed orange juice, but I really should do it more — the difference is like the difference between drinking the nectar produced by a sweat shop of angels (which is good, even though sweat shops are bad) and drinking the stuff that a disgruntled bus driver gives to spoiled kids that he’s forced to drive around. Lesson: use the fresh stuff if you can. That being said, I’m going to be a true American hypocrite, and use bottled stuff for the rest of the evening.

Why is citrus always so sexual?

Also, the orange bitters (which can be hard to find — check specialty stores or the Internet, but don’t overpay) add an interesting dynamic to this otherwise simple drink. It cuts the sweetness some, and makes the flavor a bit unexpected. If you can find orange bitters, try it out, and see how you like it.

Anyway, fill up a glass with ice, pour in the vodka, and fill almost all the way to the top with the orange juice. Add the bitters, stir, and garnish with the orange wheel. This is definitely fancier than any other drink recipe on this list, which is a little sad. Like Lost after season one, it’s all downhill from here, folks.

-2 oz Vodka
-Grapefruit Juice

The Greyhound

This is like a Screwdriver if Screwdrivers were the worst drink imaginable. Grapefruit juice might just be the nectar that disgruntled bus driver gives to bratty kids that I mentioned earlier, but even those bratty kids wouldn’t deserve it. This is why I made the drink for my fiancee. Yes, I am a little bit of a terrible person for giving that to her, but she, for some odd reason, likes grapefruit juice. Yeah, that is a little sad, but to each their own.

Grapefruit juice. Not even once.

The Greyhound is like a more astringent and sour Screwdriver. If that appeals to you, go to a therapist and have yourself checked out. If it still appeals to you after treatment, go ahead and make yourself one.

Fill a glass with ice, pour in your vodka, fill with grapefruit juice, stir, and try, through a horribly grimaced face, to enjoy this monstrosity.

Sloe Comfortable Screw
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Sloe Gin
-1 oz Southern Comfort
-Orange Juice

The Sloe Comfortable Screw

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh. Of course I had to do this drink, but I really kind of wish I hadn’t. If you’re the type of person that cares more about a drink having an amusing name than tasting good, then this drink is for you! Similarly, if you’re the type of person who has convinced themselves that Southern Comfort isn’t an awful, awful thing, then once again, this drink is for you!

It’s really a very odd concoction. It’s incredibly sweet and somewhat fruity (depending on how much orange juice you throw in there to make it bearable), but drinking one is like the first time you found a type of candy that you didn’t like as a child. Remember being a child? Remember liking all types of candy? (Unless you were one of those sickos that hated chocolate, of course.) Then, remember getting that one piece of something weird on Halloween, and not wanting to eat another bite of anything after that? This is exactly like that, except with a whiskey-based liqueur instead of licorice or mint or something, so it’s a lot worse.

This is worse than school lunches.

Southern Comfort is what happens when people who love whiskey are allowed to make decisions about how to make other drinks. Of course, we shouldn’t be letting people who love whiskey make decisions about anything, because they already don’t have the best track record. (Yeah, yeah, we all have our favorite liquors, and that’s all fine and groovy and we should let people like what they want. Whatever, hippie.)

The bigger problem is that, of course, while whiskey is at least enjoyable, a viable alcoholic choice and can be used to create a number of absolutely delicious cocktails, the best thing Southern Comfort is known for is the name of the particular cocktail in question. There are fry cooks with better resumés than that.

It isn’t red from the sloe gin. It’s red from me coughing up blood afterward.

Anyway, fill your glass with ice, pour in your alcohol, fill with orange juice, and stir. However, if you’re the type of person to turn this into a go-to or, Arceus forbid, a favorite cocktail, then you’ve definitely made some bad decisions in life. This is a novelty drink and nothing more. Please treat it like one, and only give ti to that one guy at the party that you don’t like but you invited anyway because you’re a masochist or something.

Brass Monkey
-1 oz Vodka
-3/4 oz Light Rum
-Orange Juice
-1/2 oz Galliano

The Brass Monkey

Well, whatever else I can say about this drink, it inspired me to start listening to the Beastie Boys. Therefore, it has already immeasurably improved night.


Anyway, this cocktail isn’t all that impressive, but it certainly isn’t bad. It’s kind of just a stiffer version of a regular Screwdriver. Well, okay, I’ll be honest. It’s a glorified Srcrewdriver. The rum adds a nice touch of extra liquory goodness, and the Galliano gives this faint licorice-y feeling that’s actually quite nice. In fact, it was the strongest with the last few sips, and those were the some of the best last few sips of any cocktail I’ve had. And I hate licorice.


This is what a Beastie Boys song tastes and feels like.

Just kidding. I’m listening to Intergalactic now. I LIKE MY SUGAR WITH COFFEE AND CREAM.

Man, if you’re not familiar with Beastie Boys songs, I must seem belligerent as hell.

So, fill your glass with ice, as always, pour in the vodka and rum, fill most of the way with orange juice, and stir. Now, carefully float the Galliano on top. The Galliano, by the way, is optional, but it pops up in most recipes, and without it, you’re just putting two types of liquor into (probably cheap) orange juice, which would make you an alcoholic. But, if you spring the money for a fancy liqueur like Galliano and throw it in, you’ve just upgraded from an alcoholic to a cultured and sophisticated motherfucker.

On to the next round!


Cordless Screwdriver
-1 to 2 oz Chilled Orange Vodka
-Orange Wedge

The Cordless Screwdriver. Also, Han Solo is the man.

And here we have a shot. And what and what can be said about shots? Well, what can be said about drinking a whole lot of straight vodka at once? Even with flavored vodka, it’s not a very good idea. Yes, I know, I should have used a better brand than Smirnoff, but, let’s face the facts. If you’re in the habit of regularly doing shots, Smirnoff is probably the most expensive brand you’ll ever buy. Therefore, I think of my use of it instead of something better as a touch of much needed realism. I’m kind of like Stanley Kubrick or Ridley Scott in that way. Only much less insane than Stanley Kubrick.

So, yeah. This is a shot of vodka, and, flavored or not, that’s really not a good thing. It’s kind of like mixing rubbing alcohol with some orange juice. By the way, you don’t need flavored vodka for this shot. Feel free to use regular vodka. But, if you’re drinking straight unflavored vodka and you’re not sipping it, then your night is probably already pretty bad, and it’s about to get much, much worse. (But, maybe after a few of these it’ll get better.)

So, pour your shot of vodka. It’s easiest to just let the vodka chill in the freezer beforehand, but you can also shake it with ice and strain it into the shot glass. You can also do it at room temperature, but that’s even grosser. Then, dip your orange wedge into the sugar so that the sugar covers both sides.

Seriously, I feel like there should be a censor bar over this.

Now, with your shot glass in one hand and orange wedge in the other, down the shot and bite into the orange. Let me tell you, there are few things as wonderful as the taste of that sugared orange after that shot of straight vodka. It was like watching Empire Strikes Back after sitting through Phantom Menace three times.

So, back to real cocktails.

Hairy Navel
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Peach Schnapps
-Orange Juice

The Hairy Navel

I’ll be honest with you: You might as well just drink peach schnapps. The peach flavor overwhelms this simple-but-enjoyable cocktail. It was made for ladies’ night — but it’s also not so incredibly sweet that you can’t drink it if your masculinity is one of your bigger concerns.

Orange you glad I made this drink?

Anyway, there is a hint of orange, and the vodka does give it that extra alcoholic kick. But it’s just very peachy, and that’s probably all you’ll notice, unless you’re like me, and you’ve dedicated yourself to noticing other things in cocktails on the off chance that some blog readers will give a damn that I noticed that there was “a hint of orange” in this drink.

So, fill your glass with ice, pour in the alcohol, and fill with orange juice. I shouldn’t have to tell you to stir it at this point, but I still will, because I love you.

By the way, if you subtract the vodka from this concoction, you get a Fuzzy Navel.


Bluedriver (Formerly the Electric Screwdriver)
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Blue Curacao
-Orange Juice

The Bluedriver

So, I may have made this drink up, or I may have seen it a while ago on some website. I’m not sure. Either way, it’s pretty alright. It’s not a flavor worth raving about, but it is a nice party drink. For whatever reason, adding blue curacao to a mix is like a shortcut to crazy funtimes, and everyone loves having a bright blue (sometimes slightly green) drink, because apparently we’re all in elementary school and are still impressed by pretty colors.

Blue. Somehow still much like my soul.

Also, you can use any other curacao, like triple sec, for this drink, but the point of the drink isn’t adding more orange flavor (curacao is an orange liqueur), but changing the color. So, yeah, you’ll technically make the same drink if you use triple sec, but when it comes to mixed drinks, aesthetics matter so it won’t be the same, man. Moreover, unlike in real life, it’s completely fine to be racist and judge things by color, as long as you don’t oppress your vodka. The point of this drink is the color. I don’t care if its superficial. Your mom lied to you, and true beauty is not on the inside.

So, make this like you would make a Hairy Navel, but replace the peach schnapps with blue curacao.

Final drink time!

-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Melon Liqueur
-1/2 oz Fireball Cinnamon Whisky
-Orange Juice

The Manana

So, I invented this drink. I also had another, equally silly name for it. However, after tasting it, I had to change the name. Why? Because it magically tastes exactly like bananas. Well, slightly spicy bananas, which is where the manly part comes in, but bananas nonetheless. And not like artificial bananas, but actual bananas. Ladies and gentlemen, this is experimentation done right.

It’s not easy being this drink.

Anyway, I realized that most Screwdriver variations (including ones not listed here) were just Screwdrivers plus some liqueur. So, I decided I’d make my own, and make it a bit more interesting by throwing in Fireball, a cinnamon flavored whisky (they spell it without the “e” because they hate America or something) that I love but everyone around me seems to hate. Well, using it here was a good choice, and I must say, I am very proud of myself. If you like bananas, give this a try.

Fill your glass with ice, pour in the vodka, the melon liqueur, and the Fireball. Fill it with orange juice and stir. Drink it, and be covered in the incredible, slightly sexual bliss of banana-y flavor. I’m still amazed.
P.S. If you want to be awesome, you can call this the Orange You Glad I Taste Like Bananas instead.



So, what have we learned? We’ve learned that thoughtful experimentation is rewarded. With bananas. Which is really the best reward.

We’ve learned that Southern Comfort has no use beyond novelty, and is best left on the shelf.

We’ve learned that the Beastie Boys kick ass. Screw you if think otherwise. (Damn it! I made it so far without saying that!)

We’ve learned that you should believe in your dreams. And that vodka should be a part of that dream. Because vodka is a good friend, even if you have some rough times. Vodka will always be there for you. And that’s what real friends do.

Happy (responsible) drinking! And remember: WWHSD?

Rum and Coke: Caribbean Freedom

Hello, weary travelers, and welcome(!) to the first post of Six Drinks Too Many, the blog where I, in the name of science and justifying the making of oh-so-many drinks, will be exploring at least six drinks every week for the overall advancement of humanity. And, of course, for your amusement.

Drinking for science.

Every week I’ll be looking at a single drink, ingredient, or theme, and exploring different ways to spice them up. (Sober Edit: This week I mean that literally, and quite unfortunately as it turns out.) I’ll look at variations of classic cocktails and exciting ways to make your liquor unique. I’ll make the drinks, drink them, write about them, share the recipes, and hopefully amuse you with my increasingly inebriated words.

So, let’s get started! What incredible drink could I have possibly chosen for the maiden post of this fledgling blog? If you read the title, you already know, but let’s keep up the illusion for now. In any case, how could I have picked anything other than the well-loved, ever-popular, sometimes sneered-upon Rum and Coke? Few things are as classic and well-ordered today as this sugary and unhealthy spectacle. Really, there was no better choice for the first post than this old bar stand-by — I mean, you weren’t going to order something different, were you?

By the way, you can obviously make any of these drinks with the diet version of the soda. However, that’s a terrible idea, and if you do that, you’re a terrible person, and you deserve the awful drink you make. Diet soda is gross, and should never be used in cocktails. Ever. Your rum deserves better, you calorie counting cock.

In all seriousness, though, the flavor of diet soda — all diet soda — is weak compare to regular soda. It just can’t hold its own against even the lightest of rums. Even if you drink diet soda instead of regular soda on a day-to-day basis, I encourage you to use real soda for these recipes. The flavor will be much better and far more balanced. If you insist on using diet, that’s fine, but you might make something that only a high schooler tasting hard liquor for the first time would enjoy. I urge you to indulge this one time, and use the less healthy choice.

And so, without further ado, I give you the first recipe.

Cuba Libre
-1/2 Lime
-1 1/2 oz Light Rum

The Cuba Libre

The Cuba Libre causes confusion among some people, because it’s just a Rum and Coke with lime, usually as a garnish. However, that small difference changes the drink completely — and not just the name. The drink itself benefits from the lime, as it works with the rum to undercut the cola’s sweet characteristics, resulting in a more complex drink (yes, I did just use the word complex to describe a Rum and Coke). Anyway, let’s talk about how to make it.

Does this make you randy?

Start with a glass and squeeze the lime half to release the juice. Finish by dropping the hull in. Most recipes will tell you to just add a lime wedge onto the side of the glass as a garnish when you’re done making the drink, but that method is for people with no ambition and no means of attracting a mate.

With the lime in the glass, fill the glass the rest of the way with ice.

Mexican Coca-Cola. Strictly for champions. And Mexicans who may or may not be champions.

Now, of course, pour in your rum, and fill with cola. You can use whatever brand you like, but Mexican Coca-Cola is an ideal choice, because it’s still made with real cane sugar. If you can find it (any international food market should have it, and some hippy grocery stores have it, too), it’s definitely worth it for your mixed drinks. If you can’t find it, use whatever cola you prefer.

Also, if you’re a purist, you ought to use Cuban Rum. I, being lazy, used Bacardi. May the rum gods have mercy on my soul. (Of course, Bacardi, ever the grandaddy of the rum market, claims that its gold rum was used in the first incarnation of the libation. This is most likely a blatant lie, but it’s still the rum I buy. Capitalist pigs.)

Anyway, stir and enjoy. The Cuba Libre is a great way to make the Rum and Coke a little bit more complex without changing the general awesomeness and flavor of the drink. It was (supposedly) invented by a an American soldier who was taking a break while “liberating” Cuba during the Spanish-American War. This is most likely not true, as Coca-Cola wasn’t introduced to Cuba until 1900, 2 years after the war ended. This doesn’t make the story impossible, but it does mean that the soldier would have a had a hard time getting ingredients.

True or false, this story leads me to think about Teddy Roosevelt destroying the countryside with his Rough Riders, and then getting drunk off of top shelf rum. In other words, this cocktail, much like TR himself, is certified badass. Also, maybe terrifying, as I’m sure a drunken Teddy Roosevelt could kill almost anything with just his middle toe.

On to the next drink!

-1 1/2 oz Malibu Coconut Rum
-Cherry Coke
-Maraschino Cherry (optional)

The Coppertone

This drink is named for its smell, which is remarkably similar to the smell of sunblock. Luckily, it doesn’t taste like sunblock, and probably isn’t as poisonous. It’s very sweet, and a little nutty, in my opinion. Additionally, the cherry and coconut flavors work surprisingly well together. My fiancee, who was a very willing test subject for this drink, says that the coconut actually brings out the cherry, as weird as that may sound. The cherry dominates the coconut flavor, but the coconut hits you first, and it’s still in the background, making the drink even sweeter.

This is a good choice for someone who might just be in a mood for something sweet and different (and I guarantee you this drink is different from a lot of things you’ll taste). Of course, don’t let your bros catch you drinking it, or you might be ostracized for indulging in the frou-frou side of life.

Cherry Coke is one of the primary ingredients of sunblock. Believe it.

Fill your glass with ice, pour in the rum (you can use another brand of coconut rum, but Malibu is the “official” ingredient), and fill with the Coke. Stir and enjoy. If you want to garnish with a maraschino cherry, go for it. You might even want to add a splash of the syrup from the maraschino jar to the mixture, but what comes out might be unbearably sweet, so you may want to save that for those nights when you’re comforting yourself because everyone got invited to that big party but you. Yeah, it’s that kind of drink.

And with that I must go drink another drink! If you’re as adventurous as I am, look below to see what it was.

-1 1/2 oz Spiced Rum
-Cream Soda

The Midas

Here’s a version of the Rum and Coke that’s lighter and fluffier than the clouds that naked cherubs rest on. It’s sweet, as you might expect, but the spice plays off of it well, and neither the sweet nor spice is overpowering. You’ll taste the cream soda at first, but then the spiced rum kicks in, and it dances on your tongue like kittens getting entangled in a ball of yarn for a while after you’ve swallowed. It’s really just a nice, simple drink.

This is what the laughter of rainbow-colored bunnies tastes like.

So, fill a glass with ice, pour in your rum, and fill with cream soda. Stir it, drink it, and dream of babies and puppies playing together in perfect harmony. That whole deal.

One note: do not use a dark spiced rum for this recipe. Use a gold spiced rum like Captain Morgan or Sailor Jerry. Not only will a dark rum ruin the golden color of the drink for which it is named, but the robust flavor of the rum will completely overpower the lighter cream soda, making a concoction that will send you straight to Tartarus. (Subtle joke there. Hope you got it.)

If you want to use dark rum for something, then keep reading.

Doc Oc
-1 1/2 oz Kraken Black Spiced Rum
-Dr. Pepper

The Doc Oc

The name of this cocktail is one of my favorites. If you’re a superhero geek, make this for a drinking game during a Spiderman marathon. Most party guests will probably think you’re one clever motherfucker (which, let’s face it, you are).

This is the dark and heavy version of the Midas. Where the Midas is bubblegum pop, the Doc Oc is pure metal. Where the Midas is love, the Doc Oc is the type of resentment taht builds up for years until you finally snap. Where the Midas is freedom, the Doc Oc is an iron fisted tyranny. But don’t be put off — it’s your fist, goddamnit. This cocktail tastes like the deep seas with a strong and robust flavor that will convince even the snobbiest of cocktail aficionados that there might be room for the Rum and Coke in the pantheon of great drinks.

This rum is black. Much like my soul.

Prepare it just as you would the Midas, but with these ingredients instead. You can also use regular dark rum if you don’t want to spend the money on Kraken, but the flavor will be a little less complex (but still good). However, don’t use light rum in a mix with Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper has a much stronger flavor than regular cola, and light rum just doesn’t stand up to that (the resulting drink won’t be awful, but it could be so much better). Always use dark rum, and the flavors will fight each other like Olympian gods vying for power over a war-torn and trembling world below them.

A mix of Dr. Pepper and regular dark rum, by the way, is known as a Witch Doctor.

Let’s see what I’m gonna drink next…

Nutty Libre
-1 oz Light Rum
-1 oz Amaretto

The Nutty Libre

This tastes like hazelnut coffee if it was made out of soda. And alcohol. So that’s cool.

This mixture isn’t as exciting as some other variations, but it is nice. It certainly isn’t as strong as the Doc Oc, nor as enjoyable as the Midas, but it is a fine little drink, and a pretty good use of amaretto. It’s kind of like videos of people getting hit in the balls: simple and nice, but not very exciting anymore. Much like Green Day’s new music, it’s just kind of boring.

Anyway, fill a glass with ice, pour in the alcohol and fill with the cola. Stir it, drink it, and fantasize about what else you could be doing.

Speaking of what else you could be doing…

Hot Cuba Libre
-1/2 Lime
-1 1/2 oz Light Rum
-Splash Hot Sauce

The Hot Cuba Libre

This drink is apparently popular in the West Indies. In related news, the West Indies is the worst place in the world. If you ever wondered what white trash or poverty tastes like, try this drink. Seriously, this drink is like fermented Taco Bell, if Taco Bell was owned by a trailer park frathouse.

This is how this drink makes me feel inside.

For the record, this drink officially uses Caribbean hot sauce, but if that matters to you, you’re totally missing the point that this drink is awful no matter what, and should only be given to Nazis who have avoided punishment for the past seventy years. Now that I think about it, this might explain why it comes to us from South America, which is where many Nazis supposedly fled. However, that means that this place now has Nazis and this drink. Doesn’t sound like the best vacation.

Anyway, make it like you would make a regular Cuba Libre, but add in the hot sauce before stirring. And don’t skimp on the hot sauce, either (a splash is generally regarded as less than a quarter ounce, but still a significant amount). Too little, and you won’t taste it. Make sure there’s enough in there for you to notice it, in all its ungodly glory. No, I’m not going to let you pussy out on this one; I drank it, and therefore you should have to drink it too. I want you to know what rock bottom tastes like.

Seriously, why would anyone think this is a good idea? Ever?

Also, if you’re one of those douche bags that prides themselves on drinking awful drinks, go ahead and skip the lime. The citrus distracts some from the hot sauce, and makes the drink bearable. Leave it out if your purpose is to impress your friends. Though, also realize that doing so makes you a dick.

On to my final drink.


Cuba Libre Preparado (Prepared Cuba Libre)
-1/2 Lime
-1 1/2 oz Light Rum
-1 to 2 dashes Gin
-1 to 2 dashes Angostura Bitters

The Cuba Libre Preparado

This is a Venezuelan variation, and it’s a little weird. The gin is almost unnoticeable, being more of a feeling and an aftertaste than a contributor to flavor. Still, this is the only drink in this post that mixes two liquors (amaretto is a liqueur, and is therefore, by definition, a girly drink), so that makes it interesting and tempting.

These bitters are, well, bitter. Once again, much like my soul.

The bitters, however, add a bit of spice and blending that isn’t present in other versions, and that kicks more ass than Batman with chainsaw hands. The bitters make it taste a lot more purposeful, as though you weren’t simply putting rum and coke together like some college freshmen with no better ideas. If you’re a cocktail lover, this might be the version of the drink for you.

Anyway, squeeze the juice out of the lime into your glass, and drop the hull in. Then fill the glass with some motherfucking ice, because you’re a classy motherfucker who does not like his or her drinks to be room temperature (Room temperature? Fuck that noise.).

Pour in the rum, and add the gin and bitters. A dash, by the way, is about six drops. It’s open to interpretation and experimentation, though, so don’t let me hold you down — I’m not the boss of you. Do what you want, and let your dreams be your guide.

Briefly consider just drinking your limey alcoholic concoction to seem sophisticated and cultured (this is an important part of the process), but then ultimately decide that you have a love for sugar and carbonation, and fill it up with soda. Stir it, because you know what you make good decisions, and take a long, satisfied sip. You just made the Rum and Coke your bitch.


So, what have we learned? I learned that fuck the West Indies and hot sauce. But also, I learned that the simple, sometimes insipid Rum and Coke — a favorite among those who don’t know what else to order — can become a titan, a beautiful and naked god in which the rest of the world may revel.

The Rum and Coke might seem sophomoric (I’m surprised I can even think of that word with this much alcohol in me, by the way), but that not need be the case. There are some great ways to make this simple drink as complex as people think Christopher Nolan movies are. Give some variations a try, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Happy (responsible) drinking!


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