Screw Drive Me Crazy

Hello, glamorous and fanatical Internetland. I come to you once again bearing tidings of many libations, this time from the glorious world of Screwdrivers. Though I love this simple mix, this could spell certain doom for me, as once I’m sober I’ll have to think of a title for the post that isn’t some dumb “screwed” pun. I hope I come up with something good. You, of course, dear reader, know what I came up with. Is it good? I hope so. I hope it delighted you with whimsical charm. Wish me retroactive luck, in any case.

But back on track. As I just said, I love Screwdrivers. In fact, it was really the first cocktail that I got well-acquainted with — and thus a beautiful friendship was born. Hopefully, this little adventure into the unknown won’t ruin this friendship. I’d hate for such a wedge to come in between me and vodka. (Sober edit: That wedge pun was totally unintended, but still totally awesome.)

AND SO! Without further ado, here I begin my journey. Let’s start with a basic Screwdriver, but let’s make it a little bit more interesting than just the same old vodka and orange juice deal. We are, after all, the great explorers of our generation. Indeed, many people are counting on us.

“Fancy” Screwdriver

• 2 oz Vodka
• Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice
• 1 Dash Orange Bitters
• Orange Wheel

Feel free to skip this “high class” version, and just mix your vodka and orange juice together, but I wanted to give you something a little bit better. And it is certainly better. I hardly ever use freshly squeezed orange juice, but I really should do it more — the difference is like the difference between drinking the nectar produced by a sweat shop of angels (which is good, even though sweat shops are bad) and drinking the stuff that a disgruntled bus driver gives to spoiled kids that he’s forced to drive around. Lesson: use the fresh stuff if you can. That being said, I’m going to be a true American hypocrite, and use bottled stuff for the rest of the evening.

Also, the orange bitters (which can be hard to find — check specialty stores or the Internet, but don’t overpay) add an interesting dynamic to this otherwise simple drink. It cuts the sweetness some, and makes the flavor a bit unexpected. If you can find orange bitters, try it out, and see how you like it.

Anyway, fill up a glass with ice, pour in the vodka, and fill almost all the way to the top with the orange juice. Add the bitters, stir, and garnish with the orange wheel. This is definitely fancier than any other drink recipe on this list, which is a little sad. Like Lost after season one, it’s all downhill from here, folks.

Greyhound

• 2 oz Vodka
• Grapefruit Juice

This is like a Screwdriver if Screwdrivers were the worst drink imaginable. Grapefruit juice might just be the nectar that disgruntled bus driver gives to bratty kids that I mentioned earlier, but even those bratty kids wouldn’t deserve it. This is why I made the drink for my fiancee. Yes, I am a little bit of a terrible person for giving that to her, but she, for some odd reason, likes grapefruit juice. Yeah, that is a little sad, but to each their own.

The Greyhound is like a more astringent and sour Screwdriver. If that appeals to you, go to a therapist and have yourself checked out. If it still appeals to you after treatment, go ahead and make yourself one.

Fill a glass with ice, pour in your vodka, fill with grapefruit juice, stir, and try, through a horribly grimaced face, to enjoy this monstrosity.

Sloe Comfortable Screw

• 1 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Sloe Gin
• 1 oz Southern Comfort
• Orange Juice

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh. Of course I had to do this drink, but I really kind of wish I hadn’t. If you’re the type of person that cares more about a drink having an amusing name than tasting good, then this drink is for you! Similarly, if you’re the type of person who has convinced themselves that Southern Comfort isn’t an awful, awful thing, then once again, this drink is for you!

It’s really a very odd concoction. It’s incredibly sweet and somewhat fruity (depending on how much orange juice you throw in there to make it bearable), but drinking one is like the first time you found a type of candy that you didn’t like as a child. Remember being a child? Remember liking all types of candy? (Unless you were one of those sickos that hated chocolate, of course.) Then, remember getting that one piece of something weird on Halloween, and not wanting to eat another bite of anything after that? This is exactly like that, except with a whiskey-based liqueur instead of licorice or mint or something, so it’s a lot worse.

Southern Comfort is what happens when people who love whiskey are allowed to make decisions about how to make other drinks. Of course, we shouldn’t be letting people who love whiskey make decisions about anything, because they already don’t have the best track record. (Yeah, yeah, we all have our favorite liquors, and that’s all fine and groovy and we should let people like what they want. Whatever, hippie.)

The bigger problem is that, of course, while whiskey is at least enjoyable, a viable alcoholic choice and can be used to create a number of absolutely delicious cocktails, the best thing Southern Comfort is known for is the name of the particular cocktail in question. There are fry cooks with better resumes than that.

Anyway, fill your glass with ice, pour in your alcohol, fill with orange juice, and stir. However, if you’re the type of person to turn this into a go-to or, Arceus forbid, a favorite cocktail, then you’ve definitely made some bad decisions in life. This is a novelty drink and nothing more. Please treat it like one, and only give ti to that one guy at the party that you don’t like but you invited anyway because you’re a masochist or something.

Brass Monkey

• 1 oz Vodka
• 3/4 oz Light Rum
• Orange Juice
• 1/2 oz Galliano

Well, whatever else I can say about this drink, it inspired me to start listening to the Beastie Boys. Therefore, it has already immeasurably improved night.

BRASS MONKEY. THAT FUNKY MONKEY.

Anyway, this cocktail isn’t all that impressive, but it certainly isn’t bad. It’s kind of just a stiffer version of a regular Screwdriver. Well, okay, I’ll be honest. It’s a glorified Srcrewdriver. The rum adds a nice touch of extra liquory goodness, and the Galliano gives this faint licorice-y feeling that’s actually quite nice. In fact, it was the strongest with the last few sips, and those were the some of the best last few sips of any cocktail I’ve had. And I hate licorice.

BRASS MONKEY. THAT FUNKY MONKEY JUNKY.

Just kidding. I’m listening to Intergalactic now. I LIKE MY SUGAR WITH COFFEE AND CREAM.

Man, if you’re not familiar with Beastie Boys songs, I must seem belligerent as hell.

So, fill your glass with ice, as always, pour in the vodka and rum, fill most of the way with orange juice, and stir. Now, carefully float the Galliano on top. The Galliano, by the way, is optional, but it pops up in most recipes, and without it, you’re just putting two types of liquor into (probably cheap) orange juice, which would make you an alcoholic. But, if you spring the money for a fancy liqueur like Galliano and throw it in, you’ve just upgraded from an alcoholic to a cultured and sophisticated motherfucker.

On to the next round!

Cordless Screwdriver

• 1 to 2 oz Chilled Orange Vodka
• Orange Wedge
• Sugar

And here we have a shot. And what and what can be said about shots? Well, what can be said about drinking a whole lot of straight vodka at once? Even with flavored vodka, it’s not a very good idea. Yes, I know, I should have used a better brand than Smirnoff, but, let’s face the facts. If you’re in the habit of regularly doing shots, Smirnoff is probably the most expensive brand you’ll ever buy. Therefore, I think of my use of it instead of something better as a touch of much needed realism. I’m kind of like Stanley Kubrick or Ridley Scott in that way. Only much less insane than Stanley Kubrick.

So, yeah. This is a shot of vodka, and, flavored or not, that’s really not a good thing. It’s kind of like mixing rubbing alcohol with some orange juice. By the way, you don’t need flavored vodka for this shot. Feel free to use regular vodka. But, if you’re drinking straight unflavored vodka and you’re not sipping it, then your night is probably already pretty bad, and it’s about to get much, much worse. (But, maybe after a few of these it’ll get better.)

So, pour your shot of vodka. It’s easiest to just let the vodka chill in the freezer beforehand, but you can also shake it with ice and strain it into the shot glass. You can also do it at room temperature, but that’s even grosser. Then, dip your orange wedge into the sugar so that the sugar covers both sides.

Now, with your shot glass in one hand and orange wedge in the other, down the shot and bite into the orange. Let me tell you, there are few things as wonderful as the taste of that sugared orange after that shot of straight vodka. It was like watching Empire Strikes Back after sitting through Phantom Menace three times.

So, back to real cocktails.

Hairy Navel

• 1 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Peach Schnapps
• Orange Juice

I’ll be honest with you: You might as well just drink peach schnapps. The peach flavor overwhelms this simple-but-enjoyable cocktail. It was made for ladies’ night — but it’s also not so incredibly sweet that you can’t drink it if your masculinity is one of your bigger concerns.

Anyway, there is a hint of orange, and the vodka does give it that extra alcoholic kick. But it’s just very peachy, and that’s probably all you’ll notice, unless you’re like me, and you’ve dedicated yourself to noticing other things in cocktails on the off chance that some blog readers will give a damn that I noticed that there was “a hint of orange” in this drink.

So, fill your glass with ice, pour in the alcohol, and fill with orange juice. I shouldn’t have to tell you to stir it at this point, but I still will, because I love you.

By the way, if you subtract the vodka from this concoction, you get a Fuzzy Navel.

Onwards!

Bluedriver

• 1 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Blue Curacao
• Orange Juice

So, I may have made this drink up, or I may have seen it a while ago on some website. I’m not sure. Either way, it’s pretty alright. It’s not a flavor worth raving about, but it is a nice party drink. For whatever reason, adding blue curacao to a mix is like a shortcut to crazy funtimes, and everyone loves having a bright blue (sometimes slightly green) drink, because apparently we’re all in elementary school and are still impressed by pretty colors.

Also, you can use any other curacao, like triple sec, for this drink, but the point of the drink isn’t adding more orange flavor (curacao is an orange liqueur), but changing the color. So, yeah, you’ll technically make the same drink if you use triple sec, but when it comes to mixed drinks, aesthetics matter so it won’t be the same, man. Moreover, unlike in real life, it’s completely fine to be racist and judge things by color, as long as you don’t oppress your vodka. The point of this drink is the color. I don’t care if its superficial. Your mom lied to you, and true beauty is not on the inside.

So, make this like you would make a Hairy Navel, but replace the peach schnapps with blue curacao.

Final drink time!

Manana

• 1 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Melon Liqueur
• 1/2 oz Fireball Cinnamon Whisky
• Orange Juice

So, I invented this drink. I also had another, equally silly name for it. However, after tasting it, I had to change the name. Why? Because it magically tastes exactly like bananas. Well, slightly spicy bananas, which is where the manly part comes in, but bananas nonetheless. And not like artificial bananas, but actual bananas. Ladies and gentlemen, this is experimentation done right.

Anyway, I realized that most Screwdriver variations (including ones not listed here) were just Screwdrivers plus some liqueur. So, I decided I’d make my own, and make it a bit more interesting by throwing in Fireball, a cinnamon flavored whisky (they spell it without the “e” because they hate America or something) that I love but everyone around me seems to hate. Well, using it here was a good choice, and I must say, I am very proud of myself. If you like bananas, give this a try.

Fill your glass with ice, pour in the vodka, the melon liqueur, and the Fireball. Fill it with orange juice and stir. Drink it, and be covered in the incredible, slightly sexual bliss of banana-y flavor. I’m still amazed.
P.S. If you want to be awesome, you can call this the Orange You Glad I Taste Like Bananas instead.

Denouement

So, what have we learned? We’ve learned that thoughtful experimentation is rewarded. With bananas. Which is really the best reward.

We’ve learned that Southern Comfort has no use beyond novelty, and is best left on the shelf.

We’ve learned that the Beastie Boys kick ass. Screw you if think otherwise. (Damn it! I made it so far without saying that!)

We’ve learned that you should believe in your dreams. And that vodka should be a part of that dream. Because vodka is a good friend, even if you have some rough times. Vodka will always be there for you. And that’s what real friends do.