From Russia with Booze: The White Russian

Hey dudes and dudettes, and welcome to another exciting adventure with Six Drinks Too Many, even if it is a week late. I’m back and already a little buzzed, thanks to the potent little cocktail of the week, the delciously Marxist White Russian.

Actually, it didn’t really originate in Russia, and it’s probably not a hardcore enough drink for Russians, anyway. I mean, this drink does involve mixing anything at all with vodka, which means it’s probably illegal in Russia.

In any case, it definitely isn’t hardcore. The White Russian is an excellent drink for someone who wants to drink something potent, but can’t quite muster up the guts to drink something too liquory like a Martini or a Manhattan. Plus, it’s a nice cult drink thanks to The Big Lebowski.

A few notes before I get into giving you some recipes, though. First, you can mix a White Russian by stirring or by shaking. You could also even leave it unmixed with the cream sitting on top of the vodka and coffee liqueur. It’s your own personal preference. I prefer to build mine in the glass and stir. Do it whatever way you want, because this is America, and not Russia (unless you happen to be reading this in Russia … or any country other than America for that matter).

Second, all of these recipes, and most recipes for White Russians you’ll ever see, will have it served on the rocks. However, you can also serve White Russians up in a cocktail glass. To do this, shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into your cocktail glass.

Third, heavy cream is the recommended dairy product, but you can also use light cream, half and half, or milk. However, you really should use heavy cream (and only use milk in a pinch).

Fourth, in most of these recipes, I’ll be telling you to fill your glass with cream after you’ve poured in your alcohol. You can also measure out the cream in equal portion to the alcoholic ingredients — 2 ounces in most cases. If you’re going to shake your ingredients instead of stirring them, this is what you should be doing.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s start drinking!

 

White Russian
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Russian

So here is the delicious classic — sweet and creamy in all of its alcoholic glory. The Dude loved it, and for good reason — it’s awesome. If you’re ever at a bar and can’t think of anything else to order, the White Russian is fantastic go-to choice. And, even though it is very sweet and easy to drink, it doesn’t have the same stigma that other sweet drinks do, possibly because its not fruity or chocolatey. In any case, not many people will judge you for ordering this one. If they do judge you, they might be actual Russians, in which case we won the Cold War, so bollocks to them.

Creamy goodness.

Anyway, fill your glass with ice, pour in your vodka, your coffee liqueur, and fill with your cream (as disgusting as that sounds). Stir it (if that’s what you’re into, no judging), and enjoy. And enjoy it you will, because, as noted above, this drink is basically designed to be enjoyed. It was designed to be so enjoyed, that it’s really easy to enjoy three of them.

Next drink!

 

Blind Russian
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-2 oz Irish Cream

The Blind Russian

Mmm. Liquory cereal. That’s what this cocktail tastes like. Imagine if the milk you poured on your Cocoa Puffs was alcoholic. Also, imagine you’ve had Cocoa Puffs in the last ten years. That’s kind of what this drink tastes like, anyway, only maybe less appropriate for Saturday morning cartoons (but even so, I think I just found a way to make Spongebob A LOT better).

So, this drink is basically an excuse to make a White Russian that will fuck you up more. Usually, I’m against that sort of tomfoolery; if getting drunk faster is more important to you than making a good drink, then you might as well just do shots instead of fucking up a cocktail. However, this drink is delicious, so it might just be the exception to the rule. Give it a try, but do be warned: it tastes too good for how strong it is, and it goes down easier than Justin Bieber getting hit by Thor’s hammer. (You thought I was going to make some oral sex joke there, didn’t you? Please, I’m classier than that. Classier than Justin Bieber’s prostitutes, anyway.) As with any time you’re drinking, know you’re limits, and don’t let the taste of this cocktail trick you into drinking too many, or you will have a bad night.

So, fill a glass with ice, pour in your ingredients, and stir. Also, I didn’t drink it this way, but this also might be an excellent variation to serve up rather than on the rocks. Live adventurously and let me know how it turned out.

Onwards!

 

Colorado Bulldog
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-2 oz Cream
-Cola

The Colorado Bulldog

So, before trying this drink, I’ll admit — I had already filed it under the “Oh dear merciful Zeus of glorious Olympus, why would anyone do that” category. However, that was me jumping the gun a little bit. Putting dairy and cola together sounds weird at first, but that’s also basically what you’re doing anytime you make an ice cream float. And, naturally, this tastes much like a float. So, bullet dodged, and I owe Zeus an apology for taking His name in vain.

Shake it like you shouldn’t shake a Polaroid picture.

The drink is a little weird, but it’s definitely not bad. It’s a little more interesting than a regular White Russian, though not necessarily better. I think I’ll side with The Dude on this one, and keep the soda out of my Caucasians for now. However, like most things that don’t involve a redneck and some source of fire, it’s worth trying.

So, shake your vodka, coffee liqueur, and cream in a shaker with ice, and strain it into an ice-filled glass (use a slightly taller glass than what you’re probably using for White Russians). Fill with the cola, and drink. Do not stir.

You can also pour your first three ingredients in a glass and stir, but I I decided to shake this one. Made it a little more frothier. Much like Justin Bieber’s prostitute. And I smell a recurring theme tonight…

 

Chocolate Strawberry (or Justin Bieber’s Prostitute)
-1 oz Strawberry Flavored Vodka
-1 oz Dark Crème de Cacao
-Cream

The Justin Bieber’s Prostitute

This drink is my own little mix, though I’m sure I’m not the first person to put these ingredients together. By the way, I’m open to suggestions for a better name for this drink than the awful one I have right now (though my alternative name is growing on me … much in the same way that Justin Bieber grows on his extremely high class and reasonably frothy prostitute). Give me some suggestions, and if I like it, maybe I’ll high five you or send you some McNuggets or something. Who knows?

Anyway, this is a good dessert drink, and it mimics the taste of an actual chocolate-covered strawberry about as well as artificial flavors can — which is pretty well. The cream also balances the alcoholic bite, so you can actually focus on the intended flavor, rather than coughing because flavored vodka is kind of weird.

Anyway, build it like you would a White Russian. Also, feel free to use white crème de cacao — I chose dark to keep the color the same as a regular White Russian, but the flavor should be the same between white and dark. However, if you do use white, keep in mind that that’s one more way you’re supporting white privilege, and another job you’re taking a way from the darker-toned minority. Asshole.

 

White Mexican
-1 oz Tequila (preferably silver)
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Mexican

Admit it — most of you only use tequila for shots and margaritas. That’s really sad, isn’t it? The thing is, tequila has an uncanny way of working with flavors that it really shouldn’t work with. It’s kind of like the barbecue sauce of the liquor world in that way, though you definitely shouldn’t pour tequila over a bad burger in hopes that it will make it taste better. Actually, go ahead and do that, and you’ll probably get what you deserve.

It’s not easy being creamy.

So, this cocktail sounds a little gross, but it’s actually pretty good. It’s definitely more complex than a White Russian, and the full flavor effect is something that a liquor connoisseur might appreciate. The tequila is a lot more noticeable than the vodka — try to imagine what creamy tequila might taste and feel like, and you’ve got this drink. Sounds disgusting, I know. In fact, it sounds like something someone might make at a party that’s run out of both vodka and limes. Luckily, this drink is a lot better than the godawful concoction that whatever some misguided college party-goer might make in such a scenario. If you like tequila, you’ll like this. Try it — your tequila deserves better than being paired with some citrus juice every time you drink it. Let it see the world and be its own person.

Make it like you would a White Russian, but with tequila instead of vodka.

 

White Indian
-1 oz Gin
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Indian

Is it just me, or is our way of naming cocktails to show which liquor is in them a little racist? Not offensively so or anything, like, fun racist. Weird racist. The type of racist you get when Justin Bieber shouts racial slurs at his prostitute mid-coitus. Of course, “White Indian” sounds a lot better than “White Juniper-Flavored Spirit Cocktail,” so I guess I’ll let it go, just like Justin Bieber’s prostitute lets the abuse go.

So, this drink is… a drink. To be honest, I’m not sure if there’s much of a point. I like gin, but I don’t know if I like this drink. It doesn’t really taste all that different from a White Russian, except it gives you a weird gin aftertaste. If I were to list all the reasons I like gin, “weird aftertaste” probably wouldn’t be on list. It would be at least seventh or eight down, anyway.

Milk just doesn’t do this. Justin Bieber’s prostitute does, though. For a price.

If you don’t have vodka, I guess you could make this instead, and you’d wind up with more or less the same drink, but other than that it’s not really worth it. The tequila at least had a point — this is just someone putting gin in their White Russian and claiming they’ve made a new drink. In a fashion similar to the way Apple does marketing, it’s a completely unnecessary upgrade that’s basically the same as thing you left behind, but with some features you really didn’t want anyway. But, maybe it’s map app actually works, so who am I to judge?

Make it like you would a White Russian but with gin. However, I’m telling you, you really should just make a White Russian.

 

Denouement

Here we are, at the end of another night of drinking and exploration. What have we learned? I’ve learned that Justin Bieber is an incredibly freaky man who is aroused by racism. I’ve also learned that racism stops being a problem if we can all just get together and enjoy a round, man.

So put some dairy in your vodka and ask yourself what The Dude would do. And if you haven’t been understanding my “Dude” references, go watch The Big Lebowski. Now.

Happy (responsible) drinking!


4 responses to “From Russia with Booze: The White Russian

  • Anonymous

    I like Justin Bieber’s Prostitute better than Chocolate Strawberry, personally. However, I totally made myself a white russian. It was damn good.

  • Linda A. Willis

    I am enjoying your column very much, having a White Russian as I write this, sorry, I had to use milk, didn’t have any heavy cream in the house. I had to share with you my favorite recipe for a Sombrero AKA Kahlua and milk. I first had this version at an old hotel in downtown Albany, NY, The Shelf at the DeWitt Clinton Hotel, it doesn’t exist anymore. They served their Sombrero straight up in a martini glass with a small scoop of vanilla ice cream in the middle. It was wonderful. I have made my own version by making a milkshake (vanilla or chocolate) and add the Kahlua, delish, Vodka would definitely be a great addition.

  • pferdie

    Thanks so much! That Sombrero with ice cream sounds like it’s bordering on a Mudslide (which I considered featuring for this post, actually), but I might have to try just Kahlua and cream. Sounds like a good and easy drink!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: