Journey Through the Cosmos: The Cosmopolitan (Part Two)

And we’re back! It’s time to see what else I consumed on my cosmic trek. Here’s take two on Cosmopolitans, with four more drink recipes.

So let’s not waste anymore time.


Rum Cosmopolitan
-1 ½ oz Light Rum
-1/2 oz Triple Sec
-1/4 oz Lime Juice
-3/4 oz Cranberry Juice
-Lemon Twist

The Rum Cosmopolitan

But why is the rum gone? Good news! It’s not! I’m drinking it right now! Hooray!

So, I like vodka more, but this version isn’t bad at all. Though, be wary. Vodka is a neutral spirit, with a very subtle flavor (yes, it does have a flavor, and anyone who says different has never tasted vodka), whereas rum, even light rum, has a very noticeable flavor. It’s still a very good drink, but if you’re not prepared to taste that rum, it’ll surprise you. However, the strong taste is worth pretending you’re a pirate that just so happens to enjoy frou-frou drinks. And that’s really the best kind of pirate, isn’t it?

So, this is worth a taste, and it’s better if you keep with the theme and use citrus flavored rum instead of regular rum, but vodka is still better. If you like rum a whole lot, you might like it better than the vodka version, but to me, this is just a drink to have out of curiosity, or if you completely lack vodka. It’s definitely not bad at all (in fact, it’s really good), but it’s still rum in a place where vodka should really be.

Make it like a regular Cosmo, but with the pirate liquor instead of the Communist liquor.

Speaking of swapping liquors…


-2 oz Tequila
-1 oz Triple Sec
-1/2 oz Lime Juice
-1 splash Cranberry Juice
-Lemon Twist

The Cosmoquila

So, this is kind of a dumb drink. Why? Look at the ingredients, and you’ll notice that it’s basically a Margarita with some cranberry juice and no salt. It also has a lot of alcohol and not a lot of juice

That means that this tastes nothing like a Cosmo and everything like tequila. And for me, that’s not a selling point. I don’t dislike tequila in the least, but it’s not very high up on my spirit list. For me, it goes vodka and gin, rum, then tequila, and then way down there is whiskey. And then brandy brings up the disgusting, disgusting rear. Tequila and I are on good terms, we’re just not on hanging out without other friends terms yet, you know?

So, if you like tequila, you’ll like this, and the name is also a lot of fun. But really, this just doesn’t taste like a Cosmo, and you might as well make a Margarita. Maybe bringing down the amount of tequila will change that, but I wouldn’t reduce it more than a half ounce, and even if you reduced it more, tequila has a very strong taste. No matter what, this is a Margarita with some cranberry juice. Don’t trick yourself into thinking otherwise.


-1 ½ oz Lemon or Citrus Vodka
-3/4 oz Triple Sec
-1/2 oz Limoncello
-1 oz Cranberry Juice
-Lemon Twist

The Cosmocello

So this is a drink.

Okay, that’s not fair. It’s quite good. It tastes just great. However, it really fucks with the Cosmo template by replacing the souring agent with something that isn’t really sour. Limoncello is great, but it isn’t sour. Therefore, the Cosmocello is a step away from the Cosmopolitan, as it is no longer a sour-style drink. It’s closer to a cooler at this point.

With every other recipe in this post, you’ll notice that lime juice is an ingredient. The lime juice isn’t just there for flavor, though. It’s there to add sour to the drink. That’s why it’s always there, even in small amounts — lime juice tends to be the go-to souring agent with lemon juice. So, if you replace it with an ingredient that isn’t sour, it just doesn’t make sense anymore. So, this is really a good drink, but it’s completely different. Also, there are probably better uses for your limoncello.

So, mix it like you do. If you have limoncello and you don’t know what else to do with it, then this is a fine choice. Otherwise, meh.

Final drink!


Southern Cosmopolitan
-1 ½ oz Peach Vodka
-1/2 oz Triple Sec
-1/4 oz Lime Juice
-1 oz Peach Nectar
-3-4 Mint Sprigs

The Southern Cosmopolitan

I’m not sure what makes this Southern, but it is damn good. It doesn’t taste that much like a real Cosmo, but it is an excellent example of using the Cosmopolitan template to do something really cool and delicious and interesting. This drink is peachy with a nice hint of mint, and I guarantee you’ll like it. You are human, after all.

And this just so happens to be the one drink that requires a bit more explanation in the mixing process, and that is thanks to the mint. So, first, rim your cocktail glass with a mint leaf. Then, shake the liquid ingredients with 2 or 3 mint sprigs and ice, and strain into a cocktail glass. Finally, garnish with a beautiful, beautiful mint spring. And thus you have made an amazing and delicious variation on a drink that only half the population is normally allowed to drink. Enjoy!



What have we learned, cosmonauts? We’ve learned that you shouldn’t be tied down by what color your drink is or what sex organs you’re attracted to. If you want something fruity and frou-frou, well then that’s your natural right as drinker! Drink what you want to drink.

We’ve also learned that experimentation can be rewarded, and that alcohol can taste like candy. That’s not a suggestion that it should taste like candy, or that you should bribe people — especially short people who haven’t begun puberty yet — with candy alcohol. It’s just to suggest that there’s a drink for everyone. And that’s pretty far out, man.

Happy (responsible) drinking!

2 responses to “Journey Through the Cosmos: The Cosmopolitan (Part Two)

  • Meg Holden

    The peach is what makes the Southern Cosmo “Southern.” A more Southern version might be to make it with sweet tea vodka and peach nectar, but at that point I’m not sure it’s still a Cosmo.

    • Arman

      Thank you? THANK YOU? Listen asshat, if I want that kind of lip, I’ll… I’ll…well inerst clever retort here. Clever retort:… catch Rosie O’Donnell naked in the guys locker room in the midst of a steamy shower, convince her that I’m Ellen, bend her over and then blow into and french her dripping, strangely mauve colored anus while she belts out a chorus from Seussical The Musical.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: