How Long Must We Drink This Drink? Mary, Bloody Marys (Part One)

Let me tell you all a story. This is the story of a young boy who, for whatever reason, loved tomato juice. The two would sit together for hours on end, just enjoying the savory flavor of one another. The boy gave the tomato juice much needed attention, and the tomato juice gave the boy much needed vitamins.

The pair may have very well grown old together, if not for the fact that the boy eventually moved on. He stopped liking tomato juice, and the tomato juice, like so many 30-year-old ex-wives of multimillionaires, found itself used and unwanted. The tomato juice spent its time alone for the next several years, and the boy went on to pull the tomatoes off of his hamburgers like every American should.

Good readers — allow me to blow your mind. That boy was… wait for it… ME! Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Knowing that back story, you can imagine my hesitation in deciding to drink Bloody Marys this week. Though this is the undisputed king (or, more appropriately, queen) of savory cocktails, a sworn-by hangover cure, and beloved by many, I’m not a fan. To add on to that, a lot of the variations are, well, kind of disgusting unless you have the taste for it. If you like Bloody Marys, great! It’s just not my thing, much in the same way that drinking tar is not my thing.

So here I am, putting myself through drunken horror just for your amusement. I hope you appreciate it.

Also, a note on variations: there are a lot of them. This little adventure barely scratches the surface. But, on top of variations of the basic recipe, realize that there a lot of different ingredients that you can throw in to change up the drink some. Some common ingredients that I didn’t use for my recipes include black pepper, cayenne pepper, lime juice, horseradish, and a whole lot more. Feel free to add some of those ingredients or some others if so moved.

Also, if you don’t have one of the ingredients for a Bloody Mary, you can probably skip it. It’ll be a little bland, but all you really need for a Bloody Mary is vodka and tomato juice. I wouldn’t recommend that, but then again, I wouldn’t recommend a Bloody Mary to begin with, so do what you want.

Let us begin.


Bloody Mary
-2 oz Vodka
-4 oz Tomato Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody Mary

Well, here it is. It’s salty, it’s juicy, and it’s kind of like drinking alcoholic soup. It’s got a good devoted following, so I guess I shouldn’t knock it too much, but I can’t help but feel like there’s other things I should be doing with my vodka.

I know I just said that all you really need for a Bloody Mary is vodka and tomato juice, but you shouldn’t do it that way. You definitely want some of the other ingredients to spice it up and make it more interesting. Drinking a Bloody Mary without that extra stuff is kind of like eating jelly without peanut butter. It’s bland and insipid, like having a party without Spice Girls music.

So, you can either build this drink in the glass and stir, or shake it and strain it. I chose the latter. Shake the first five ingredients with ice and strain the mixture into a tall ice-filled glass. Add salt to taste and stir briefly. Squeeze the lemon wedge over the drink and drop it in. Finally, garnish it with the celery stick.

Also, you make all of these drinks the same way, so I’m not going to repeat myself every time I make a new drink. Just refer back here if you get confused — I know it can be daunting.



Bloody Caesar
-2 oz Vodka
-2 oz Tomato Juice
-2 oz Clam Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 oz Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 oz Worcestershire Sauce
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody Caesar

Clamato juice is a combination of equal parts clam juice and tomato juice. You can buy it pre-mixed or get both ingredients separately and mix them together yourself.

However, unless you happen to have a blog about mixed drinks, I don’t know why you would do either of those things, because clamato juice is incredibly awful. I hear that this is what they use to water board terrorists now, because they decided simulating drowning with regular water wasn’t harsh enough. If Hell ever freezes over, it will be with ice made of clamato juice.

This drink is also known as a Clamdigger, but why the fuck would you care about that when there isn’t enough vodka in the world to make this monstrosity palatable?

I drank it all, by the way. I’m as committed to authenticity as the inventor of this drink was committed to committing legal atrocities.

If you really like clam juice for whatever weird reason, go ahead and try it. Otherwise, please, let’s move on.


Bloody Hogger
-2 oz Bakon Bacon-Flavored Vodka
-4 oz Tomato Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody Hogger

Bacon-flavored vodka sounds like a really good idea, right? Bacon is great. Vodka is great. The two ought to compliment each other like champagne and lube. But, alas, it really is quite a rough drink on its own. Bakon can make a few good cocktails, though (try it with pineapple juice and butterscotch schnapps), so I was hopeful. However, this really isn’t one of those good cocktails, but probably because of the fact that its a Bloody Mary not because it uses Bakon.

It’s just too much. A good cocktail has subtlety. You want the flavor of your drink to have a noticeable flavor, and a few other delicate flavors and notes dancing in the background like beautiful ballerinas building a house of cards on an angel’s breast. You don’t want your cocktail to kick your tongue in the balls with a pair of spiked boots. The Bloody Mary is really strong and robust anyway, but with bacon-flavored vodka it’s just too strong. It’s like watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie while gnawing on raw pork.

If you legitimately like the flavor of Bakon, you’ll probably like this. If not, it’s liable to make you gag some.


To Be Continued…
And here, faithful readers, is where I sign off until Friday. Don’t worry, I’ll come back with more Bloody Marys soon, just you wait. And if you think it couldn’t possibly be worth a read, know this: Barbecue sauce makes a major cameo in the next three recipes.

Until next time!

One response to “How Long Must We Drink This Drink? Mary, Bloody Marys (Part One)

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