Hey there! Do you like alcohol? Of course you do!
OR, maybe you don’t like alcohol, but you do hate yourself, so drinking is like this masochistic validation thing for you.
OR, maybe you just want to punish your liver for its numerous crimes against humanity.
OR, maybe you can’t legally drink yet, in which case you might just like mediocre pictures of otherwise pretty alcohol beverages.
OR, maybe you’ve recently decided that drinking water is so passé, and that, in the future, cool people will all be dehydrated.
OR, maybe you’re Mormon or otherwise abstinent-by-choice, and you’re curious about what devil-worshipers do on Friday nights.
OR, maybe alcohol isn’t your thing, but reading the increasingly drunken writings of a man with nothing better to do is.
OR, maybe the thought of alcohol makes you feel sick, but you can’t think of a better way to seem cultured to someone you met on an online dating site than to spew random information about cocktails and spirits.
OR, maybe you’re in college and have decided to give in to peer pressure.
OR, maybe you’ve just tasted so many shitty cocktails at parties, and you want to learn how to make good cocktails, and go back and tell your friends that made those shitty cocktails to eat shit because YOU HAVE CONQUERED THEM HAHA!
OR, maybe you’re tired of reading all of these reasons to read my blog and just want me to get to the fucking point already.
Whichever it is, this blog is FOR YOU!
Welcome to Six Drinks Too Many. At this blog, you’ll learn how to make many, MANY classic cocktails (the RIGHT way), and several variations on those cocktails so you can make people think that you’re one clever motherfucker that deserves all of the sexytimes.
Each week — every Wednesday, actually — I’ll be exploring a different cocktail or type of alcohol (or a specific theme), and showing you what you can do with it, and how to change up the classics, without making something awful. Not only that, but I’ll be drinking THE WHOLE TIME. FOR EVERY POST. INCLUDING THIS ONE. (I’m drinking Martinis, if anyone is interested.)
Why? Because that’s how validation works.
But first, let me back up. Hi, my name is David. I like Star Wars and Star Wars accessories. I’m also an amateur mixologist, which is the stupidest fucking word in any language, so let’s just forget that I used it just now and go back to being friends. Okay? Okay.
I’ve been nursing a fascination with cocktails for many moons now — much to the drunken delight of my lovely fiancee who likes to knock back something girly when she’s come home from a hard day at the factory (read: a hard day of editing tax-related bullshit). This fascination has led to me spending most of my spare change on booze and offering to make drinks for my friends (when there aren’t too many around, or course — I’m not made of gin, you know (even though that would be THE BEST SUPERPOWER EVER)).
I’ve learned a lot about the art of pouring shit into other shit, and I have recently decided that my knowledge is best put to use by sharing it. So, this is my gift to you, dear public: a blog on mixing drinks made by an average person that just so happened to buy a few mixology books (Once again, please forget I used that word. Imma go self-flagellate to punish myself for that later.). You might have had an interest in the cocktail before, but have been too intimidated to try creating a beautiful masterpiece that even the creators of Poke’Mon Gen II would envy. Maybe other people told you, “No, you fucking amateur! You can’t do that to a Manhattan! You might as well call it a Bronx!” (Ha! Names of places humor!) Maybe it’s never occurred to you that this is a hobby that any average person, deserving of sexytimes or not, can do. (And, once you learn it well, maybe some people will believe you are deserving of the sexytimes, regardless of the reality of the situation.)
Well, while others told you NO, I, much like Barack Obama, am here to tell you YES! YOU CAN! I, myself, am fairly average. But I love cocktails, and I love learning about alcohol. I want to give you the basics to make some awesome classic cocktails, as well as some ideas to spice them up. I’ll be giving you recipes, bartending tips, cool facts about liquor, and the (hopefully) entertaining prose of my inebriated self. Even if you don’t make every cocktail I write about, you’ll have a good time, and you’ll learn something. It’s like Dora the Explorer with vodka (don’t you dare steal that idea IT IS MINE I WILL GET THE COPYRIGHT TOMORROW).
So, please, enjoy what I write here, and feel free to give me feedback. If you like what I write, share this with your friends. Maybe one day, we’ll have an army of amateur mixologists, ready to get the world drunk so they don’t notice our awful invented words.