Category Archives: Creme de Cacao

Warming the Soul and Intoxicating the Body: Hot Drink for the Winter

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I come to you after a week-long hiatus, during which I allowed my liver to play catch up. I know you all missed me. I missed you, too. Yes, you.

Anyway, it’s getting colder! Actually, here in North Carolina, it’s not getting that much colder at all. In fact, it’s been pretty warm the past couple of days. But, it should be getting colder any day now, and I imagine it’s pretty cold in other parts of the world.

So, it’s with that hopeful imagination that I present to you this week’s adventure on Six Drinks Too Many: hot drinks. Simple enough, right? Maybe if we enjoy some hot drinks together, we can will it to be cold and wintery, as it should be.

And if not, these drinks are enjoyable anyway, and it will get cold eventually. But don’t let the weather stop you — if you want a hot drink with booze in it, then damn it, enjoy a hot drink with booze in it.

First though, a disclaimer for the coffee lovers: None of these are coffee drinks. There are enough coffee-based alcoholic drinks that I’ll be doing a coffee-themed post somewhere down the line, rather than interspersing a few here.

And now, without any more interruptions, let’s begin.

 

Hot Grog
-1 1/2 oz Myers’s Rum or other Dark Rum
-3/4 oz Honey
-3/4 oz Lemon Juice
-Hot Water
-Cinnamon Stick

Hot Grog

Hot Grog

So, I sat down and I said to myself, “Self, what’s the number one concern of most people on the Internet today?” The answer became immediately obvious. Fighting scurvy, of course! Therefore, I thought I’d help you all out. You’re welcome, by the way.

To my knowledge, this drink was created on the high seas. The rum was used to make the water drinkable, and the lemon provided vitamin C to fight scurvy. I’m not sure if honey was used in original recipes, but if it was, it was probably to make the drink more palatable. If anyone knows more about the history of grog or can correct me an any point, please share in the comments.
In any case, the name is weird and a lot of people probably don’t realize what it actually is, but this is a pretty decent little drink. It’s not particularly interesting, but it’s nice. The different flavors work well together, and this will definitely warm both your body and your soul. Also, this is basically a Hot Toddy but with rum instead of whiskey. So, if you prefer bourbon to rum, do that instead.

If you want to keep yourself fighting-fit and scurvy-free, start by pouring the honey into a mug and add a splash of hot water. Stir it a bit to thin the honey out before making the drink. Add the rum and lemon juice and fill with hot water. Stir and garnish with a cinnamon stick.

Next drink!

 

Hot Buttered Rum
-2 oz Dark Rum
-1 tsp Brown Sugar
-Hot Water
-1 tsp Butter
-Grated or Ground Nutmeg

Hot Buttered Rum

Hot Buttered Rum

This is one of those hot drinks that people know about, but don’t really tend to try, as far as I can tell. If you’ve never tried it, it is exactly what it sounds like: rum with butter. The temperature also happens to be hot.

It’s pretty good, and even though the idea of adding butter to a drink is kind of gross, the butter is really a fucking awesome idea. It’s like a nice piece of angel poop floating on top of warm liquor. And no, you have never read anything so delightful before.

But, yeah, it is really disgusting to drink butter. Drinking this drink probably won’t make you feel good about yourself, in any case. But, I’m an American, which means that by any measuring stick, I’m behind in the drinking butter world when compared to my peers. Really, it’s the little things that make you feel better.

Start by putting the brown sugar and a splash of hot water in the bottom of a mug and stir it until to sugar dissolves. Add the rum, fill with hot water, and stir. Float the slice of butter on top and sprinkle some nutmeg on that bitch.

Let’s do something a little sweeter now.

 

Hot Brandy Alexander
-1 oz Brandy
-1 oz Dark Crème de Cacao
-Hot Milk
-Whipped Cream
-Grated or Ground Nutmeg

Hot Brandy Alexander

Hot Brandy Alexander

The cold version of this drink is a classic — interestingly enough even more of a classic than the regular Alexander with gin. Turns out that the hot version is also pretty good. It’s chocolate, milk, and booze, after all. At any temperature, that’s hard to argue with.

So, if you like chocolate, you’ll probably like this. I don’t even like brandy (which just so happens to taste like the piss of Margaret Thatcher), and I like this. Of course, if you don’t like chocolate, then why don’t you go back to the Hell pit you crawled out of?

To make this yummy little drink, pour the brandy and crème de cacao into a mug, and fill with hot milk. Add a dollop of whipped cream on top and sprinkle some nutmeg over it.

 

Bull’s Milk
-1 1/2 oz Dark Rum
-3/4 oz Cognac
-Hot Milk
-1 tsp Maple Syrup
-Grated or Ground Nutmeg

Bull's Milk

Bull’s Milk

What can you expect from a drink that sounds like a euphemism for semen? Well, it’s about as enjoyable as that, but with just a hint of maple.

I do not care for this drink at all. The liquor component of it is a little too rough, and the maple doesn’t really do a lot for it — but it does lend a nice aftertaste. The problem is that the actual taste is so godawful that the aftertaste is like someone apologizing to you after setting your house on fire and kicking you in the genitals. I’d say it’s worth a try, but quite frankly, there are so many better options for a hot drink. You can drink better drinks with your time.

Alright, truth be told, I’ve had much worse drinks. But this doesn’t measure up to the other drinks I’ve had for this post so far. But, if you like brandy and rum, this might appeal to you, and making it is simple. Pour the liquor into a mug, fill it with hot milk, and add the maple syrup. Stir and sprinkle some nutmeg on top.

 

Sevilla Flip
-1 1/2 oz Light Rum
-1 1/2 Ruby Port
-2 oz Cream
-1/2 tsp Sugar

Sevilla Flip

Sevilla Flip

I picked this drink because it looked interesting. I saw that ruby port was included in the recipe and thought, “Say, is that a fortified wine in a recipe for a hot drink? It is! By all mighty Zeus, that’s interesting! I must try it — and I’m certain that it won’t be disgusting, even though my initial surprise at the inclusion of port in the recipe would signify that there’s a definite reason why I didn’t expect this eccentric ingredient to be included.”

Well, it turns out there is a reason why I initially thought the port was a really fucking weird inclusion. That reason is that it is a REALLY FUCKING WEIRD INCLUSION. At first, you won’t like this drink, but then it just gets extremely weird. I don’t know if I should recommend it or not. It’s too weird for me to know what’s happening — it’s like Donnie Darko was a drink instead of a movie.

I don’t love it. I don’t hate it. I’m just confused by it.

So, making it is a bit more labor-intensive than the previous drinks. Start by combining the cream and sugar in a small saucepan over low heat. Add the rum and port and bring it to a low simmer. Pour it into a mug, and try to enjoy — even though it may be futile. I will say that the cream likes to separate. I don’t know if it’s supposed to. In any case, you can keep stirring it if you want it all combined. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.

 

Southern Chai
-1 oz Bourbon
-1/4 oz Triple Sec
-1/4 oz Amaretto
-8 oz Chai Tea Concentrate
-3 oz Milk
-Lemon Wedge studded with Whole Cloves

Southern Chai

Southern Chai

I really like chai tea. It’s pretty much the only thing I ever get at Starbucks. But, as much as I like chai tea, I’ve never been drinking it and thought that it would be improved by bourbon. But then, I don’t think that most things would be improved by bourbon. If you’re the type of person that tends to consume something and think that it could be improved with bourbon, I don’t think we’d get along very well.

That being said, this drink isn’t bad. It’s chai-tastic, and it has some nice liquory notes and interesting aromas from the added ingredients. I think I still prefer regular chai tea, but this isn’t a bad alternative, especially if you’re a whiskey drinker, or are just looking to get drunk off of chai.

This is another labor-intensive drink. In a small saucepan, combine the chai concentrate and milk and bring it to a simmer. Pour it into a mug, and add the alcoholic ingredients. Stir, and garnish with the studded lemon wedge.

As a side note, my lovely fiancee tells me that I studded the lemon wedge wrong. Apparently, you’re supposed to stud the peel. I studded the meat of the lemon, because I thought that made more sense. It’s a lot easier to stud the meat instead of the peel. But, I will bow to the “correct way.” However, both ways will provide you with the aroma of lemon and cloves, so the difference might be purely visual.

 

Denouement

The weather outside is … well, pretty mild. But, the drinks inside are fucking awesome. Warm so water, add some booze, and raise a hot glass to the winter months, dear drinkers. I’ll see you next week.


Giving Thanks for Booze: Thanksgiving Cocktails

Let’s level, readers: What the fuck are you thankful for? No, you can’t answer with vodka — though that certainly is an understandable answer.

It’s okay, I’ll give you some time to think about it. Do think about it, though. You’ll need an answer when someone inevitably asks you this week. Or don’t worry about it if you’re not reading this in the United States.

In the meantime, let’s look at some drinks! Thanksgiving will be tomorrow when I actually post this, and that means soon all of you will be talking to relatives that you probably don’t like too much. Well, why not make it all a better experience with alcohol?

Or, maybe you do like your relatives, and you just want to impress them with some cool theme drinks. I guess that’s alright.

Whichever group you fall into, here are six Thanksgiving-themed cocktails to try with your family this year. Or try them alone while crying. To each their own.

Also, note that all six cocktails are featured today. There will not be a new post on Friday.

And now, let’s get to it!

 

Spiked Pumpkin Pie
-Sugar and Ground Cinnamon for rimming
-2 oz Vodka
-1 oz Pumpkin Liqueur
-1 oz Cream
-1 dash Vanilla Extract
-Ground Nutmeg

Spiked Pumpkin Pie

Alright, so there is no shortage of pumpkin pie “martini” recipes during the Fall. A million cocktail recipes are just a Google search away. Even I gave another recipe when I did my Halloween theme.

Clearly, that didn’t stop me from doing this drink. I got it from a cocktail book and tweaked it a little bit. Even though pumpkin pie drinks are a bit overdone, I’m glad I drank this one. It’s pretty much what you would expect from a silly theme drink like this — forgettable, but FUCKING DELICIOUS.

This must be made of the pumpkins of Olympus and the spices of Eden. If you want a crowd pleaser this Thanksgiving, this is a good one to whip up.

So, start by mixing the sugar and cinnamon on a plate. Then wet a paper towel, and use it to wet the rim of a cocktail glass. Then, run the rim of the glass through the cinnamon sugar so it sticks.

Now to make the drink. It’s pretty simple — just shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into the prepared glass. Sprinkle some nutmeg on top to garnish.

Let’s try something else.

 

Cranberry Sauced
-3 oz Dry White Wine
-4 oz Cranberry Juice
-Splash Club Soda
-Sugar Cube

Cranberry Sauced

Two things about Thanksgiving: wine and cranberry sauce. So let’s put those two things together! Hooray!

So, this is a really good cocktail — inoffensive and simple, as well as a good way to change up your wine. The tartness of the cranberry juice, the sweetness of the sugar, and the complexity of the wine all work well together. This is the perfect Thanksgiving toasting cocktail.

Of course, you’re free to drink your wine without enhancing it like this, but that’s the mark of an unimaginative and sad alcoholic. So, make your toasting time more interesting, and give your relatives something to talk about.

So, put the sugar cube in a wine glass and add the liquid ingredients. The club soda is included because the bubbles help the sugar dissolve. Feel free to replace the white wine and club soda with a sparkling wine. Either way, this is a good general-use cocktail

Moving on!

 

Maple Old-Fashioned
-2 ½ oz Bourbon or Rye Whiskey
-1/3 oz Maple Syrup
-2 dashes Angostura Bitters
-Ground Nutmeg

The Maple Old-Fashioned

Here’s the drink you can make for your crotchety grandpa, your uncle who refuses to drink anything girly, or your female cousin out to prove that she can drink all those stereotypically male drinks, too. It’s pretty easy to make, so if someone asks for a stiff drink, don’t hesitate to give them this.

This was an interesting drink for me, because — as regular readers may know — I’m not the biggest fan of whiskey. However, I have been known to enjoy an Old-Fashioned on occasion. So, I’m not completely opposed to whiskey.

However, maple syrup doesn’t seem to sweeten the drink as well as sugar or simple syrup. Because of this, the whiskey flavor is stronger than in other Old-Fashioneds (not that it’s a subtle flavor in the original recipe). And, in all honesty, the maple flavor doesn’t come out that much when you’re sipping. However, this version does lend a very strong maple aftertaste. If that appeals to you, then go ahead and try this. But don’t expect to taste the maple over the whiskey when you’re sipping.

So, assuming that it’s time for you to put hair on your chest, let’s make this drink. Stir the liquid with ice and strain it into an old-fashioned glass. Sprinkle the nutmeg on top. You can add ice or not, depending on your own personal preferences. If you do add ice, the general rule is to use one or two large ice cubes instead of several smaller ones. Of course, if you’re a regular Old-Fashioned drinker, you probably already have ice cube trays to make larger chunks of ice, and you’re probably way ahead of me. If you’re not a regular Old-Fashioned drinker, I don’t know that I would start with this drink. But if you like whiskey, you might as well go for it.

With that behind us, let’s do something frou-frou.

 

Spiced Appletini
-1 ½ oz Vodka
-1/2 oz Spiced Rum
-1/2 oz Fireball Cinnamon Whisky
-1 oz Green Apple Liqueur/Apple Schnapps
-1 oz Apple Juice
-Cinnamon Stick

The Spiced Appletini

I’ll be the first to admit that the idea of the Appletini is a little silly. Well, maybe the name is just fucking ridiculous, no matter what John Dorian has to say about it.

Even so, the Appletini isn’t a bad drink at all, even with the numerous recipes for it out there. It’s fruity without being sweet, and just the right amount of sour.

This version is my own little creation. I wanted to figure out my own way of making an “apple pie” style drink. I think my endeavor was largely successful. The spices cut the sourness of the green apple liqueur, and the resulting flavor is pretty enjoyable.

However, this is quite a large drink, and the flavor just seems like it would lend itself more to a shot — it’s good, but you’ll get kind of tired of it after a while, just like most Mel Gibson movies. So, if you’re an enterprising individual, figure out a variation of this for a shot, and then proudly do shots with your older relatives. There’s no better family bonding experience than that.

Anyway, this is simple to make. Shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Garnish with the cinnamon stick. You could also garnish with apple slices. Your call. Either way, this is a great non-standard cocktail with an interesting flavor to impress your family members with.

And so, we just did a manly drink and a frou-frou drink. Let’s see if we can combine the two.

 

Turkey Cosmopolitan
-1 ½ oz Wild Turkey Bourbon
-1/4 oz Lime Juice
-1/2 oz Triple Sec
-2 oz Cranberry Juice
-Lemon Twist

The Turkey Cosmopolitan

So, if this sounds like just a Cosmopolitan with bourbon instead of vodka, that’s because it is. If that sounds disgusting, it’s actually not. It works pretty well, and no one was more surprised than me. In fact, I found that the bourbon brought out the orange flavor of the triple sec more than the neutral vodka. That doesn’t make sense, and people will undoubtedly disagree with me, but there it is.

Also, I full-heartedly admit that the only thing about this cocktail that is turkey-like at all is that the bourbon has the word “turkey” in it. However, short of using turkey broth in a cocktail, this is probably the most turkey-like you’ll get with any cocktail. If you want to make a cocktail with turkey broth, be my rather unfortunate guest. Failing that, this is the best I can offer.

It also turns out that this is fairly appropriate for Thanksgiving not only because it uses Wild Turkey, but because it uses cranberry juice. Makes enough sense to me.

So, it sounds more disgusting than how Edward Cullen delivers his vampire child, but it turns out to work pretty well. It even manages to simultaneously make you a little girl (as all Cosmos do) and put hair on your chest (as all bourbon does), so that’s got to be worth something.

To make it, shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Garnish with the lemon twist to make it beautiful.

Let’s go on to our last drink.

 

Hazel Egg
-1 ½ oz Frangelico
-1 oz Crème de Cacao
-1 Egg
-Cream (optional)

The Hazel Egg

This drink might not be directly related to Thanksgiving, but I tend to think of hazelnut as a great Fall flavor. So, I decided to mix up a yummy dessert drink with the ultimate hazelnut liqueur, Frangelico. True, this isn’t a standard liquor-driven cocktail, but if you’re such an elitist that you can’t enjoy a hazelnut and chocolate dessert drink then you’re pretty much an asshole, and you’re welcome to have a good time with your straight whiskey. Jerk.

Anyway, this turned out delicious, and I guarantee you that most people will enjoy it after a long meal. The raw egg might put off a few people, but in all honesty a pasteurized egg in an alcoholic mix poses little to no danger. As we learned last week, there isn’t a known pathogen that can survive in alcohol. The chances of you getting salmonella — especially if you use a pasteurized egg — is incredibly low. However, in the interest of you not suing me, there is always at least a slight risk when consuming raw eggs, so understand that. If you do get sick, it might be a rare occurrence, but it isn’t my fault.

While we’re here, let’s talk about eggs in cocktails. Generally speaking, an egg white in a cocktail is there to add frothiness and thickness. If you wish to do without it, you can generally omit it. However, an egg yolk is included for flavor, and you cannot simply skip it, and therefore you can’t simply skip a whole egg. Now, you could make this drink without the egg, but it wouldn’t be interesting at all. The egg really lends a lot to this cocktail, so if you’re willing to take the risk, you might as well try it. Otherwise, you’re just adding dairy to some sweet liqueurs.

So, start by dry shaking the egg for a few seconds — no more than ten. Then add ice and the liqueurs to the shaker. Shake it until it’s too cold to touch. Then, strain it into an old-fashioned glass filled most of the way with ice. We fill it most of the way so that there is room to top off with cream—so top it off with cream! Stir it with a swizzle stick, and enjoy.

The cream is also only there for body, by the way, so feel free to omit it. If you do, you can go ahead and fill your glass with ice. Your call, of course.

 

Denouement

I’ve talked enough. Go hang with your family and get drunker than Diane Sawyer.


From Russia with Booze: The White Russian

Hey dudes and dudettes, and welcome to another exciting adventure with Six Drinks Too Many, even if it is a week late. I’m back and already a little buzzed, thanks to the potent little cocktail of the week, the delciously Marxist White Russian.

Actually, it didn’t really originate in Russia, and it’s probably not a hardcore enough drink for Russians, anyway. I mean, this drink does involve mixing anything at all with vodka, which means it’s probably illegal in Russia.

In any case, it definitely isn’t hardcore. The White Russian is an excellent drink for someone who wants to drink something potent, but can’t quite muster up the guts to drink something too liquory like a Martini or a Manhattan. Plus, it’s a nice cult drink thanks to The Big Lebowski.

A few notes before I get into giving you some recipes, though. First, you can mix a White Russian by stirring or by shaking. You could also even leave it unmixed with the cream sitting on top of the vodka and coffee liqueur. It’s your own personal preference. I prefer to build mine in the glass and stir. Do it whatever way you want, because this is America, and not Russia (unless you happen to be reading this in Russia … or any country other than America for that matter).

Second, all of these recipes, and most recipes for White Russians you’ll ever see, will have it served on the rocks. However, you can also serve White Russians up in a cocktail glass. To do this, shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into your cocktail glass.

Third, heavy cream is the recommended dairy product, but you can also use light cream, half and half, or milk. However, you really should use heavy cream (and only use milk in a pinch).

Fourth, in most of these recipes, I’ll be telling you to fill your glass with cream after you’ve poured in your alcohol. You can also measure out the cream in equal portion to the alcoholic ingredients — 2 ounces in most cases. If you’re going to shake your ingredients instead of stirring them, this is what you should be doing.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s start drinking!

 

White Russian
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Russian

So here is the delicious classic — sweet and creamy in all of its alcoholic glory. The Dude loved it, and for good reason — it’s awesome. If you’re ever at a bar and can’t think of anything else to order, the White Russian is fantastic go-to choice. And, even though it is very sweet and easy to drink, it doesn’t have the same stigma that other sweet drinks do, possibly because its not fruity or chocolatey. In any case, not many people will judge you for ordering this one. If they do judge you, they might be actual Russians, in which case we won the Cold War, so bollocks to them.

Creamy goodness.

Anyway, fill your glass with ice, pour in your vodka, your coffee liqueur, and fill with your cream (as disgusting as that sounds). Stir it (if that’s what you’re into, no judging), and enjoy. And enjoy it you will, because, as noted above, this drink is basically designed to be enjoyed. It was designed to be so enjoyed, that it’s really easy to enjoy three of them.

Next drink!

 

Blind Russian
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-2 oz Irish Cream

The Blind Russian

Mmm. Liquory cereal. That’s what this cocktail tastes like. Imagine if the milk you poured on your Cocoa Puffs was alcoholic. Also, imagine you’ve had Cocoa Puffs in the last ten years. That’s kind of what this drink tastes like, anyway, only maybe less appropriate for Saturday morning cartoons (but even so, I think I just found a way to make Spongebob A LOT better).

So, this drink is basically an excuse to make a White Russian that will fuck you up more. Usually, I’m against that sort of tomfoolery; if getting drunk faster is more important to you than making a good drink, then you might as well just do shots instead of fucking up a cocktail. However, this drink is delicious, so it might just be the exception to the rule. Give it a try, but do be warned: it tastes too good for how strong it is, and it goes down easier than Justin Bieber getting hit by Thor’s hammer. (You thought I was going to make some oral sex joke there, didn’t you? Please, I’m classier than that. Classier than Justin Bieber’s prostitutes, anyway.) As with any time you’re drinking, know you’re limits, and don’t let the taste of this cocktail trick you into drinking too many, or you will have a bad night.

So, fill a glass with ice, pour in your ingredients, and stir. Also, I didn’t drink it this way, but this also might be an excellent variation to serve up rather than on the rocks. Live adventurously and let me know how it turned out.

Onwards!

 

Colorado Bulldog
-1 oz Vodka
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-2 oz Cream
-Cola

The Colorado Bulldog

So, before trying this drink, I’ll admit — I had already filed it under the “Oh dear merciful Zeus of glorious Olympus, why would anyone do that” category. However, that was me jumping the gun a little bit. Putting dairy and cola together sounds weird at first, but that’s also basically what you’re doing anytime you make an ice cream float. And, naturally, this tastes much like a float. So, bullet dodged, and I owe Zeus an apology for taking His name in vain.

Shake it like you shouldn’t shake a Polaroid picture.

The drink is a little weird, but it’s definitely not bad. It’s a little more interesting than a regular White Russian, though not necessarily better. I think I’ll side with The Dude on this one, and keep the soda out of my Caucasians for now. However, like most things that don’t involve a redneck and some source of fire, it’s worth trying.

So, shake your vodka, coffee liqueur, and cream in a shaker with ice, and strain it into an ice-filled glass (use a slightly taller glass than what you’re probably using for White Russians). Fill with the cola, and drink. Do not stir.

You can also pour your first three ingredients in a glass and stir, but I I decided to shake this one. Made it a little more frothier. Much like Justin Bieber’s prostitute. And I smell a recurring theme tonight…

 

Chocolate Strawberry (or Justin Bieber’s Prostitute)
-1 oz Strawberry Flavored Vodka
-1 oz Dark Crème de Cacao
-Cream

The Justin Bieber’s Prostitute

This drink is my own little mix, though I’m sure I’m not the first person to put these ingredients together. By the way, I’m open to suggestions for a better name for this drink than the awful one I have right now (though my alternative name is growing on me … much in the same way that Justin Bieber grows on his extremely high class and reasonably frothy prostitute). Give me some suggestions, and if I like it, maybe I’ll high five you or send you some McNuggets or something. Who knows?

Anyway, this is a good dessert drink, and it mimics the taste of an actual chocolate-covered strawberry about as well as artificial flavors can — which is pretty well. The cream also balances the alcoholic bite, so you can actually focus on the intended flavor, rather than coughing because flavored vodka is kind of weird.

Anyway, build it like you would a White Russian. Also, feel free to use white crème de cacao — I chose dark to keep the color the same as a regular White Russian, but the flavor should be the same between white and dark. However, if you do use white, keep in mind that that’s one more way you’re supporting white privilege, and another job you’re taking a way from the darker-toned minority. Asshole.

 

White Mexican
-1 oz Tequila (preferably silver)
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Mexican

Admit it — most of you only use tequila for shots and margaritas. That’s really sad, isn’t it? The thing is, tequila has an uncanny way of working with flavors that it really shouldn’t work with. It’s kind of like the barbecue sauce of the liquor world in that way, though you definitely shouldn’t pour tequila over a bad burger in hopes that it will make it taste better. Actually, go ahead and do that, and you’ll probably get what you deserve.

It’s not easy being creamy.

So, this cocktail sounds a little gross, but it’s actually pretty good. It’s definitely more complex than a White Russian, and the full flavor effect is something that a liquor connoisseur might appreciate. The tequila is a lot more noticeable than the vodka — try to imagine what creamy tequila might taste and feel like, and you’ve got this drink. Sounds disgusting, I know. In fact, it sounds like something someone might make at a party that’s run out of both vodka and limes. Luckily, this drink is a lot better than the godawful concoction that whatever some misguided college party-goer might make in such a scenario. If you like tequila, you’ll like this. Try it — your tequila deserves better than being paired with some citrus juice every time you drink it. Let it see the world and be its own person.

Make it like you would a White Russian, but with tequila instead of vodka.

 

White Indian
-1 oz Gin
-1 oz Coffee Liqueur
-Cream

The White Indian

Is it just me, or is our way of naming cocktails to show which liquor is in them a little racist? Not offensively so or anything, like, fun racist. Weird racist. The type of racist you get when Justin Bieber shouts racial slurs at his prostitute mid-coitus. Of course, “White Indian” sounds a lot better than “White Juniper-Flavored Spirit Cocktail,” so I guess I’ll let it go, just like Justin Bieber’s prostitute lets the abuse go.

So, this drink is… a drink. To be honest, I’m not sure if there’s much of a point. I like gin, but I don’t know if I like this drink. It doesn’t really taste all that different from a White Russian, except it gives you a weird gin aftertaste. If I were to list all the reasons I like gin, “weird aftertaste” probably wouldn’t be on list. It would be at least seventh or eight down, anyway.

Milk just doesn’t do this. Justin Bieber’s prostitute does, though. For a price.

If you don’t have vodka, I guess you could make this instead, and you’d wind up with more or less the same drink, but other than that it’s not really worth it. The tequila at least had a point — this is just someone putting gin in their White Russian and claiming they’ve made a new drink. In a fashion similar to the way Apple does marketing, it’s a completely unnecessary upgrade that’s basically the same as thing you left behind, but with some features you really didn’t want anyway. But, maybe it’s map app actually works, so who am I to judge?

Make it like you would a White Russian but with gin. However, I’m telling you, you really should just make a White Russian.

 

Denouement

Here we are, at the end of another night of drinking and exploration. What have we learned? I’ve learned that Justin Bieber is an incredibly freaky man who is aroused by racism. I’ve also learned that racism stops being a problem if we can all just get together and enjoy a round, man.

So put some dairy in your vodka and ask yourself what The Dude would do. And if you haven’t been understanding my “Dude” references, go watch The Big Lebowski. Now.

Happy (responsible) drinking!


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