Category Archives: Pineapple Juice

There’s a Frat Boy in All of Us: Jägermeister Drinks

Hello, fine people. It’s that time of year again. Students are saying goodbye to sleeping in every day and saying hello to staying up all night. College is starting back up, and I thought it would be appropriate to use this as an opportunity to highlight that godawful staple of college parties we call Jägermeister. That’s right — we’re getting super douchey this week.

Speaking of douchey, I never realized how condescending Jägermeister is. Before you you even open it, there are arrows on the cap to show you which way to turn it to open. Apparently Jägermeister assumes that most of its target market don’t understand the concept of righty-tighty/lefty-loosey. I’m not a fan of Jäger, but I’m sure that most people who are fans of it are smart enough to figure that out. I believe in you, Jäger-lovers.

On that note of camaraderie, let’s get right into it with a drink that I suppose I can’t avoid doing.

 

Jägerbomb
-1 shot Jägermeister
-Red Bull or Beer

 Jägerbomb

So, I just finished my first Jägerbomb ever, and I now officially hate myself. It’s like chugging carbonated child’s cough syrup. By the way, did I mention that you generally chug bomb-shot drinks? Because you do. Which is fine enough when you have a beer base, but as it turns out energy drinks aren’t meant to be chugged. I’m going to be a bit jittery for a few minutes.

In any case, if you happen to have taste buds, you don’t have to use Red Bull. Jägerbombs were originally made with beer. But then Red Bull got popular, and then alcoholic drinks with Red Bull got popular with idiots, and then Red Bull replaced beer in the already-unholy Jägerbomb.

Okay, maybe I’m a bit too harsh. Drinking energy drinks with alcohol isn’t a hugely terrible idea. Drinking a lot of energy drinks with alcohol definitely is, though. If you must do a Jägerbomb with Red Bull, you should probably only do one, and you should probably do that at the beginning of your drinking session, before you’ve consumed too much alcohol.

That being said, feel free to use beer instead of Red Bull. This might get you some odd looks though; the frat boy who works with my wife said, “Who makes Jägerbombs with beer? What is this bougie bullshit?” Bougie here, as far as we can tell, means bourgeoisie. But, I think it actually makes more sense to use a beer base — a beer with a shot of the hard stuff in it is a much better way to get a quick buzz than an energy drink with alcohol. In fact, that latter has the opposite effect, with the caffeine masking some of the symptoms of intoxication. I guess if you don’t want to feel like you’re getting too drunk, then the energy drink is the way you want to go. But I’m also pretty sure that most people doing Jägerbombs want to feel drunk, so I really don’t get the point of using Red Bull.

But, I have bowed to fashion, and fashion dictates I use Red Bull. Woe unto me.

Pour the Red Bull or beer into a pint glass and the Jägermeister into a shot glass. Drop the shot glass into the pint glass and chug it down. Hate yourself almost immediately afterward.

 

Jäger Barrel
-2 oz Jägermeister
-Root Beer

 Jäger Barrel

So, I checked the Jägermeister website for recipes, and without any surprise whatsoever, most of the recipes they feature are Jägermeister plus carbonated beverage. Clearly Jäger just inspires creativity.

In any case, I picked one of their carbonated beverage concoctions, and drank the result. I’m not sure why I picked this one, because I’m not a huge fan of root beer. I guess it sounded more interesting than the others (and the idea of Jäger and orange soda just makes me cringe). However, given my disdain for both of the ingredients, this drink isn’t terrible. If you like root beer, I could legitimately see why you might enjoy this.

That being said, I’m never going to make this for myself again. And even if you like the ingredients this really has nothing on the Rum and Coke.

Pour the Jägermeister into an ice-filled rocks glass or highball glass. Fill with root beer.

 

Bed of Roses
-2 oz Jägermeister
-1/2 oz Grenadine
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice

Bed of Roses

This is another recipe I found on the Jägermeister website, and it has an incredibly stupid name. It’s also put together rather stupidly. The person who made this recipe clearly knew something about putting together drinks, because it follows the standard base-plus-sour-plus-sweet formula. However, they obviously didn’t know enough about putting together drinks, because it has way too much grenadine and way too much Jäger. All the ingredients are fighting each other rather than working together to make a good drink. The lemon juice makes it taste a little bit like iced tea, but that’ the only highlight.

A better version of this might cut the grenadine in half, the Jäger down to maybe three quarters of an ounce, and add perhaps an ounce and a half of whiskey (preferably North American). I’d also recommend using homemade grenadine (just make a syrup with pomegranate juice), but I understand that most people are too lazy… err… busy to do that. However, this hypothetically better version of the drink is not the version I drank. Don’t make this drink. Just get some tea-infused vodka, and you’ll have basically the same experience, but much better.

In case you want to blatantly ignore those last two sentences, shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

Black Sunset
-1 1/2 oz Jägermeister
-1 oz Spiced Dark Rum
-2 oz Pineapple Juice
-Lime Wheel

Black Sunset

Oh my God, real liquor. Real liquor, I missed you so much. Never leave me again.

This is another drink from the Jägermeister website, and I guess it proves that they can put together a moderately successful cocktail if someone presses them enough. This also made me realize why most of the cocktails on their website seem odd to me: They use too much Jäger. I suppose it makes sense that the company would try to get you to drink more of their product, but in terms of mixology, it doesn’t make sense.

You see, Jägermeister is a liqueur. Generally, liqueurs are either enjoyed by themselves or as a complimentary flavor in a cocktail. Of course, several cocktails are made to showcase the liqueur, but more often than not they’re used to highlight the liquor. So it’s really weird that this cocktail calls for more Jäger than rum. If you decide to make this, I suggest switching the amounts of Jäger and rum.

Either way, though, this drink isn’t half bad. It’s very tropical, and the Jäger manages to not be over-powering for once. It would, however, be better with more rum flavor (hence my suggestion), but it’s going in the right direction. It’s not a bad if you just want a simple cooler to nurse for a bit.

Shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it over fresh ice in a collins glass. Garnish with the lime wheel.

 

Jäger-Rita
-2 oz Tequila
-1 oz Jägermeister
-1 oz Lime Juice
-Lime Wedge
-Salt

 Jäger-Rita

Yes, I know how silly the name is, but it’s also pretty standard for something like this. A recipe for a Margarita made with Jäger is on the Jäger website, but this isn’t it. They recommend making it by replacing the tequila with Jäger. But a that makes no sense — a Margarita without tequila is not a Margarita. It also makes more sense to replace the liqueur in a Margarita with another liqueur. So that’s what I did.

In any case, if you like Jägermeister, you might like this. I, however, can’t drink this without grimacing. This is pretty much the best way to ruin a Margarita. I find that tequila has a tendency to work with flavors that it has no business working with, like chocolate or coffee. Jägermeister, as it turns out, is not one of those flavors. Anise might work, but you’d need to use a much higher quality spirit, like absinthe or a good absinthe substitute.

Start by using the lime wedge to rim a cocktail glass with salt. Set the lime wedge aside. Shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into the glass. Garnish with the lime wedge, and wonder why you’re doing this to yourself.

 

Jäger Manhattan
-2 oz Bourbon (or Rye Whiskey or Canadian Whisky)
-3/4 oz Sweet Vermouth
-1/2 oz Jägermeister
-Maraschino Cherry

 Jäger-Rita

If you drink Manhattans, this might already sound like an abomination. This cocktail was suggested to me by a Reddit user on the wonderful r/drunk sub, and the idea is a Manhattan with Jägermeister replacing the bitters. If we are to consider Jägermeister as a legitimate alcoholic beverage, instead of as the stuff that fuels bad college parties (the idea that, in fact, inspired this blog post), then this drink seems less abomination and more experimentation.

This cocktail isn’t bad, really. But in all honesty, I came away from it wondering what the point was. The Jäger gets overpowered by the whiskey, and I fear that increasing the amount of Jäger would ruin the drink. I suppose I could have tried garnishing it with star anise or using slightly less vermouth to bring out the Jäger more, but I still think a regular Manhattan would be better. The bitters add a nice spice and kick to the drink, and an intensity that just isn’t there with the Jäger version.

If you want to make this drink, either garnish with star anise, reduce the sweet vermouth to half an ounce, or (and this is probably what I should have done) use Canadian whisky instead of bourbon or rye. Canadian whisky doesn’t have as strong of a flavor as its contemporaries, and it would probably give the Jäger more room to do its thing without giving up too much ground. So maybe go Canadian Club instead of Wild Turkey. Just a thought.

To make it, stir the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Garnish with the cherry (or star anise if you’re going that route).

 

Denouement
So, what have we learned? I learned that Jäger apparently helps my digestive system along.. Unfortunately, I also learned that Jäger doesn’t get me all that drunk. I didn’t start feeling the alcohol all that much until the last drink, and I think that has more to do with the whiskey than with anything else. Thanks bourbon!

Maybe next week I’ll drink something enjoyable…

POSTSCRIPT: I wound up remaking the Manhattan with Canadian whisky and star anise. It turned out much better, but a real Manhattan is still much better.


How Long Must We Drink This Drink? Mary, Bloody Marys (Part Two)

And so we’re back with part two of this little adventure with Bloody Marys, in which our noble hero further risks life and limb for the amusement of others, drinking terrible drinks, one of which is basically spiked barbecue sauce.

Anyway, I won’t keep you all waiting. As it turns out, I hate Bloody Marys no matter which day I post on. You know, I keep thinking to myself that there are a few drinks that are such classics that I will do multiple posts about them. Eventually I might do Rum and Cokes again. I’ll definitely do more than one Martini post, and Gin and Tonics might claim several weeks if I can find some good variations.

Someone will have to pay me to do Bloody Marys again. This was the worst. I hope you enjoy it.

(As a sidenote, we are still making these drinks how I made them in the Wednesday post. Refer back if you’re confused.)

 

Bloody Murder
-2 oz Gin
-4 oz Tomato Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Black Vinegar
-1/8 tsp Wasabi
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody Murder

Vinegar! And I do mean holy-fucking-shit vinegar. To give you an idea of how strong the vinegar is in this, know that I can’t taste the wasabi. At all. Or the gin. At all. I can really only taste tomato-y vinegar. This is a sentence I never thought I would type to an audience of anonymous strangers, but drinking Worcestershire sauce is a much better idea than drinking vinegar.

I’m gonna level with you, folks. These highball drinks aren’t getting me drunk enough to get through all of these concoctions. If I wasn’t a purist, I’d be shooting whiskey right now to get myself in a mood where I could handle this stuff. In fact, shooting straight whiskey is probably a better and healthier idea than drinking vinegar-based drinks. And tastier. Who knew that a blog where I get drunk every week would lead to bad decisions?

So, if you can get the proportions right so that the wasabi is a stronger flavor, this might be a neat drink if you’re into Bloody Marys, ’cause wasabi is a pretty neat little thing. It’s still weird that someone would think to make a drink like this in the first place, of course, but to each their own.

Also, if you’re like me, and you waited until the last minute and can’t find black vinegar at Harris Teeter and you don’t feel like going to the international food market to look for it, balsamic vinegar works as a replacement.

Now get ready for these last two variations, because we’re done with tomato juice! (WHAT? How is that even possible?)

 

Bloody LeRoy
-2 oz Vodka
-4 oz Barbecue Sauce (you read that right)
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody LeRoy

So, apparently this a thing. The fact that this is a thing is a pretty good reason why the human race is probably better off exterminated, but, nonetheless, this is still a thing. Thank you, America.

Drinking barbecue sauce is one of those ideas that only fat stoners get — and then later regret.

That being said, I actually prefer this cocktail to the regular Bloody Mary. When I was a kid, I discovered that any inedible food can be made edible by simply smothering it in barbecue sauce. It worked wonders when my grandparents cooked. Anyway, apparently that rule is still true, and it even applies to cocktails. I’m really not sure how I feel about that.

The extra ingredients make it a little weird (I mean, weirder than it already is), but it’s not all that terrible. Of course, I’m the guy who decided to willingly drink spiced barbecue sauce and vodka, so maybe you should take whatever I say with a grain of salt. I mean, there’s no way to drink this without feeling like a disgusting fatass, even if it does taste alright.

So, it’s spicier than a regular Bloody Mary, but it also went down easier for me. I didn’t shake and strain this, by the way, because I thought the barbecue sauce would be too thick for that. So I built it in the glass and stirred it. I also used about an ounce of lemon juice instead of the regular half ounce to help thin it out more.

Try it if you have no shame. Chances are you won’t completely regret, a fact for which I am sorry.

 

Commander White
-2 oz Vodka
-4 oz Pineapple Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

Have you ever thought to yourself “Gee, this pineapple juice sure is good, but it would be vastly improved by such savory characters as the sauces Tabasco and Worcestershire.” If you have, then you are an asshole, and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.

But also, if you have, you might like this drink.

This is smoother than the tomato juice versions, but really, why would you do this to pineapple juice? What has it ever done to you to deserve this? Pineapple juice can be improved by a lot of things, and salt isn’t one of them.

And that brings me to an important point. A good mixed drink ought to be an improvement on its ingredients. This drink is improved by the pineapple juice, but the pineapple juice is not improved by being a part of this drink.

Now that I think about it, this is true of all of these drink recipes: The sum is less than its parts. Many will disagree with me, but the Bloody Mary just doesn’t perform the way a cocktail should. A cocktail ought to take the individual ingredients and turn them into something better than what they are alone. All of the ingredients of a Bloody Mary — even the condiments — taste better on their own. Fan of the drink will of course disagree, but that’s why I think I hate this drink.

So, drink this version and the other drinks if you must. If you enjoy Bloody Marys, good for you, but in all honesty, I don’t trust you. Pick a better cocktail.

 

Denouement
So, kids, what have we learned this week? I learned that old friendships with former tastes cannot always be reforged, as tomato juice is now disgusting to me. I also learned that barbecue sauce is the eternal savior of bad dishes, even when it shouldn’t be.

Mostly I learned that I hate Bloody Marys, and I will likely never want to taste one again. Though something tells me I will at some point, and that’s as good a reason as any to fear the future.

Good luck drinkers, and drink responsibly!


Monster Mash! Halloween Drinks (Part One)

Hello, all you terrifying readers and drinkers out there. It’s late October, and that means that Six Drinks Too Many, along with every other blog in cyberspace, is doing a Halloween theme. Huzzah!

I’m starting to see Santa in stores, which means I have a limited amounted of time to do this celebratory theme. You might be tired of seeing pumpkin-flavored bisque and various monsters on candy packages, but once elves are on those packages for the next five months, you’ll be missing the reign of a good old-fashioned pagan holiday.

So let’s have a Halloween hurrah! And what is a hurrah without copious amounts of booze? Horror movies are always better with some level of inebriation, anyway.

Here I offer you eight Halloween-themed drinks. I have four for you today, and four for you on Friday. Some are super sweet and taste like candy (appropriate for the season, I suppose), and others are a bit more classy and potent. Hopefully, there’s a novelty here for everyone to enjoy. If not, well, every party needs a pooper, right?

So let’s begin.

 

Brain Hemorrhage
-1 oz Peach Schnapps
-1 tsp Irish Cream
-1 dash Grenadine

The Brain Hemorrhage

This is the one you’ll see all over the Internet, and it’s the one everyone knows, so I figured it’s as good a place as any to start. It’s also known as the Abortion Shot in some circles. However, I figured it’s a little less offensive to metaphorically cannibalize a brain instead of metaphorically cannibalizing an unwanted fetus. Hence, we’re going to go with Brain Hemorrhage.

It looks disgusting but tastes like candy. It’s nothing special, but if you ever fancy yourself as devouring a brain in one sugary gulp, then I guess this is for you.

So, pour the schnapps into a shot glass. Depending on the size of your shot glass you may have to increase the amount of schnapps. With the schnapps in the glass, slowly pour in the Irish cream — the schnapps will curdle it, and the result will look, well, awful. Add a small amount of grenadine to make it look bloody.

Also, you can add a dash or two of blue curacao to make an Alien Brain Hemorrhage. However, I advise against this. In fifteen years when the alien invaders take over our planet, you won’t want to have symbolically cannibalized the brains of our new overlords.

Next drink!

 

Witch’s Brew
-1 1/2 oz Chilled Vodka
-1 1/2 oz Chilled Lemon-Lime Soda
-Pop Rocks

The Witch’s Brew

So, this is a drink I found on another website under the name “Ghoul-tini.” While that’s a decent name, adding “-tini” to the end of drink names is something I don’t really care for. Also, I thought that the bubbling nature of this drink makes it seem like “brew” would be more fitting. So, I renamed it for this.

This is a neat little novelty drink that tastes basically like sweetened vodka. That might not appeal to you, which is fine, because, as noted, this is a novelty. Pop Rocks bubbling in the bottom of your glass is cool and fun — really the type of thing you always thought of doing as a child, but never did because of rumors of explosions.

So, dump a packet of Pop Rocks (any flavor) in the bottom of a cocktail glass. Pour in the vodka first, and then the soda. However, stand back. Turns out there’s some truth to those old rumors, as the instant that vodka hit the glass, the Pop Rocks decided to, well, pop. Pretty dramatically. Maybe the rumor shouldn’t have been Pop Rocks and Coke, but Pop Rocks and vodka, though that certainly is much less G-rated.

 

Jack-O-Lantern
-2 oz Jack Daniel’s (or another Tennessee Whiskey/Bourbon, I guess)
-1 oz Pumpkin Liqueur
-2 dashes Angostura Bitters
-1 Cinnamon Stick

The Jack-O-Lantern

So, there are about a million drink recipes on the Internet called the “Jack-O-Lantern,” and ninety percent of them include — you guessed it — Jack Daniel’s. Proving that I’m as unimaginative as everyone else, here’s my version of that drink. However, to make up for my lack of creativity, this drink does taste fucking awesome.

It’s nice and spicy, and very alcoholic. It’s also not one of the candy-like recipes on this spooky expedition of ours, which makes it a bit classier, I think. If you like pumpkin and/or whiskey, you’ll like this.

So, you can probably find some pumpkin liqueur during the Fall, but why not just make your own? Whatever your method, once you have the liqueur, shake or stir (your choice) the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Garnish it with a cinnamon stick and enjoy.

This is also a great way to pretend that Jack Daniel’s totally isn’t an classless party liquor, so take good advantage of the opportunity if you’re a fan of the stuff. That’s the magic of pumpkins I suppose.

 

Bleeding Witch
-1 1/2 oz Silver Tequila
-1/2 oz Blue Curacao
-1 oz Pineapple Juice
-1 oz Orange Juice
-1/2 oz Lime Juice
-Maraschino Cherry

The Bleeding Witch

Novelty drink or not, this cocktail is actually a pretty good cooler. Its eery green color is also way fun. Let’s face it — not enough cocktails are green.

Anyway, this drink is refreshing and cool-looking, and if you’re serving drinks at a Halloween party, it’ll definitely be a hit. And even though the idea of consuming a witch who happens to be bleeding is kind of disgusting, your guests will still love this fruity cooler.

Sidenote: Appropriately enough, it seems like a fair number of these Halloween-themed drinks involve cannibalism. If that’s your thing, I guess…

So, shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Drop the cherry in and let it float to the bottom. One note: You might have to add some more pineapple and/orange juice to make it more green than blue, but I wouldn’t go more than a half ounce for each type of juice.

 

To Be Continued…
And that’s where I end for today, but be sure to come back Friday for some more suggestions on how to make your Halloween weekend this year one that you will most likely forget.


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