There’s a Frat Boy in All of Us: Jägermeister Drinks

Hello, fine people. It’s that time of year again. Students are saying goodbye to sleeping in every day and saying hello to staying up all night. College is starting back up, and I thought it would be appropriate to use this as an opportunity to highlight that godawful staple of college parties we call Jägermeister. That’s right — we’re getting super douchey this week.

Speaking of douchey, I never realized how condescending Jägermeister is. Before you you even open it, there are arrows on the cap to show you which way to turn it to open. Apparently Jägermeister assumes that most of its target market don’t understand the concept of righty-tighty/lefty-loosey. I’m not a fan of Jäger, but I’m sure that most people who are fans of it are smart enough to figure that out. I believe in you, Jäger-lovers.

On that note of camaraderie, let’s get right into it with a drink that I suppose I can’t avoid doing.

 

Jägerbomb
-1 shot Jägermeister
-Red Bull or Beer

 Jägerbomb

So, I just finished my first Jägerbomb ever, and I now officially hate myself. It’s like chugging carbonated child’s cough syrup. By the way, did I mention that you generally chug bomb-shot drinks? Because you do. Which is fine enough when you have a beer base, but as it turns out energy drinks aren’t meant to be chugged. I’m going to be a bit jittery for a few minutes.

In any case, if you happen to have taste buds, you don’t have to use Red Bull. Jägerbombs were originally made with beer. But then Red Bull got popular, and then alcoholic drinks with Red Bull got popular with idiots, and then Red Bull replaced beer in the already-unholy Jägerbomb.

Okay, maybe I’m a bit too harsh. Drinking energy drinks with alcohol isn’t a hugely terrible idea. Drinking a lot of energy drinks with alcohol definitely is, though. If you must do a Jägerbomb with Red Bull, you should probably only do one, and you should probably do that at the beginning of your drinking session, before you’ve consumed too much alcohol.

That being said, feel free to use beer instead of Red Bull. This might get you some odd looks though; the frat boy who works with my wife said, “Who makes Jägerbombs with beer? What is this bougie bullshit?” Bougie here, as far as we can tell, means bourgeoisie. But, I think it actually makes more sense to use a beer base — a beer with a shot of the hard stuff in it is a much better way to get a quick buzz than an energy drink with alcohol. In fact, that latter has the opposite effect, with the caffeine masking some of the symptoms of intoxication. I guess if you don’t want to feel like you’re getting too drunk, then the energy drink is the way you want to go. But I’m also pretty sure that most people doing Jägerbombs want to feel drunk, so I really don’t get the point of using Red Bull.

But, I have bowed to fashion, and fashion dictates I use Red Bull. Woe unto me.

Pour the Red Bull or beer into a pint glass and the Jägermeister into a shot glass. Drop the shot glass into the pint glass and chug it down. Hate yourself almost immediately afterward.

 

Jäger Barrel
-2 oz Jägermeister
-Root Beer

 Jäger Barrel

So, I checked the Jägermeister website for recipes, and without any surprise whatsoever, most of the recipes they feature are Jägermeister plus carbonated beverage. Clearly Jäger just inspires creativity.

In any case, I picked one of their carbonated beverage concoctions, and drank the result. I’m not sure why I picked this one, because I’m not a huge fan of root beer. I guess it sounded more interesting than the others (and the idea of Jäger and orange soda just makes me cringe). However, given my disdain for both of the ingredients, this drink isn’t terrible. If you like root beer, I could legitimately see why you might enjoy this.

That being said, I’m never going to make this for myself again. And even if you like the ingredients this really has nothing on the Rum and Coke.

Pour the Jägermeister into an ice-filled rocks glass or highball glass. Fill with root beer.

 

Bed of Roses
-2 oz Jägermeister
-1/2 oz Grenadine
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice

Bed of Roses

This is another recipe I found on the Jägermeister website, and it has an incredibly stupid name. It’s also put together rather stupidly. The person who made this recipe clearly knew something about putting together drinks, because it follows the standard base-plus-sour-plus-sweet formula. However, they obviously didn’t know enough about putting together drinks, because it has way too much grenadine and way too much Jäger. All the ingredients are fighting each other rather than working together to make a good drink. The lemon juice makes it taste a little bit like iced tea, but that’ the only highlight.

A better version of this might cut the grenadine in half, the Jäger down to maybe three quarters of an ounce, and add perhaps an ounce and a half of whiskey (preferably North American). I’d also recommend using homemade grenadine (just make a syrup with pomegranate juice), but I understand that most people are too lazy… err… busy to do that. However, this hypothetically better version of the drink is not the version I drank. Don’t make this drink. Just get some tea-infused vodka, and you’ll have basically the same experience, but much better.

In case you want to blatantly ignore those last two sentences, shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

Black Sunset
-1 1/2 oz Jägermeister
-1 oz Spiced Dark Rum
-2 oz Pineapple Juice
-Lime Wheel

Black Sunset

Oh my God, real liquor. Real liquor, I missed you so much. Never leave me again.

This is another drink from the Jägermeister website, and I guess it proves that they can put together a moderately successful cocktail if someone presses them enough. This also made me realize why most of the cocktails on their website seem odd to me: They use too much Jäger. I suppose it makes sense that the company would try to get you to drink more of their product, but in terms of mixology, it doesn’t make sense.

You see, Jägermeister is a liqueur. Generally, liqueurs are either enjoyed by themselves or as a complimentary flavor in a cocktail. Of course, several cocktails are made to showcase the liqueur, but more often than not they’re used to highlight the liquor. So it’s really weird that this cocktail calls for more Jäger than rum. If you decide to make this, I suggest switching the amounts of Jäger and rum.

Either way, though, this drink isn’t half bad. It’s very tropical, and the Jäger manages to not be over-powering for once. It would, however, be better with more rum flavor (hence my suggestion), but it’s going in the right direction. It’s not a bad if you just want a simple cooler to nurse for a bit.

Shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it over fresh ice in a collins glass. Garnish with the lime wheel.

 

Jäger-Rita
-2 oz Tequila
-1 oz Jägermeister
-1 oz Lime Juice
-Lime Wedge
-Salt

 Jäger-Rita

Yes, I know how silly the name is, but it’s also pretty standard for something like this. A recipe for a Margarita made with Jäger is on the Jäger website, but this isn’t it. They recommend making it by replacing the tequila with Jäger. But a that makes no sense — a Margarita without tequila is not a Margarita. It also makes more sense to replace the liqueur in a Margarita with another liqueur. So that’s what I did.

In any case, if you like Jägermeister, you might like this. I, however, can’t drink this without grimacing. This is pretty much the best way to ruin a Margarita. I find that tequila has a tendency to work with flavors that it has no business working with, like chocolate or coffee. Jägermeister, as it turns out, is not one of those flavors. Anise might work, but you’d need to use a much higher quality spirit, like absinthe or a good absinthe substitute.

Start by using the lime wedge to rim a cocktail glass with salt. Set the lime wedge aside. Shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into the glass. Garnish with the lime wedge, and wonder why you’re doing this to yourself.

 

Jäger Manhattan
-2 oz Bourbon (or Rye Whiskey or Canadian Whisky)
-3/4 oz Sweet Vermouth
-1/2 oz Jägermeister
-Maraschino Cherry

 Jäger-Rita

If you drink Manhattans, this might already sound like an abomination. This cocktail was suggested to me by a Reddit user on the wonderful r/drunk sub, and the idea is a Manhattan with Jägermeister replacing the bitters. If we are to consider Jägermeister as a legitimate alcoholic beverage, instead of as the stuff that fuels bad college parties (the idea that, in fact, inspired this blog post), then this drink seems less abomination and more experimentation.

This cocktail isn’t bad, really. But in all honesty, I came away from it wondering what the point was. The Jäger gets overpowered by the whiskey, and I fear that increasing the amount of Jäger would ruin the drink. I suppose I could have tried garnishing it with star anise or using slightly less vermouth to bring out the Jäger more, but I still think a regular Manhattan would be better. The bitters add a nice spice and kick to the drink, and an intensity that just isn’t there with the Jäger version.

If you want to make this drink, either garnish with star anise, reduce the sweet vermouth to half an ounce, or (and this is probably what I should have done) use Canadian whisky instead of bourbon or rye. Canadian whisky doesn’t have as strong of a flavor as its contemporaries, and it would probably give the Jäger more room to do its thing without giving up too much ground. So maybe go Canadian Club instead of Wild Turkey. Just a thought.

To make it, stir the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a cocktail glass. Garnish with the cherry (or star anise if you’re going that route).

 

Denouement
So, what have we learned? I learned that Jäger apparently helps my digestive system along.. Unfortunately, I also learned that Jäger doesn’t get me all that drunk. I didn’t start feeling the alcohol all that much until the last drink, and I think that has more to do with the whiskey than with anything else. Thanks bourbon!

Maybe next week I’ll drink something enjoyable…

POSTSCRIPT: I wound up remaking the Manhattan with Canadian whisky and star anise. It turned out much better, but a real Manhattan is still much better.


The Wages of Gin is Intoxication: The Gin and Tonic

Oh, it’s been too long, hasn’t it? Hello, valued and indispensable readers, and welcome back to Six Drinks Too Many, for the first time in many long, grueling months. I wound up not keeping up with my little blog because of this whole planning a wedding and getting married thing. And then I was just lazy for a couple more months.

But a few weeks ago, I decided that I really wasn’t waking up hungover often enough, and should start drinking for my blog once a week again.

So here I am, and I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. I know I missed most of the Summer, but damn it, it’s still hot out, so I can still write about Summer drinks. And there is no more quintessential Summer drink than the Gin and Tonic. So please, read on, and find a good refresher to enjoy these last few weeks of the season.

 

Gin and Tonic
-2 oz Gin
-Tonic Water
-Lime Wedge

Gin and Tonic

I’m not sure what you expect me to say here. It’s a Gin and Tonic. If you’ve never had one before, then you’ve probably never been to a bar before. And if you’ve never been to a bar before, then you’re probably not part of my target audience. That or you can’t legally drink, in which case, get away from here. This blog isn’t for kids. Go watch some porn instead.

In any case, do I really need to go over this? It’s full of gin and tonic water. It’s good to fight off malaria, and it’s a pretty good refresher. To make it, fill a rocks glass or highball glass with ice, add two ounces of gin, top it with tonic water, and stir gently (you don’t want to ruin the carbonation). Garnish with the lime wedge.

By the way, there are some people who only use the lime as a garnish, and don’t squeeze the juice in. I try my best not to talk to these people.

Two notes before moving on: First, bars tend to use rocks glasses for their Gin and Tonics, but the classic recipe calls for a highball glass. Use what you want, but be aware that it might change the ratio of gin to tonic water. Second, speaking of ratios, the ratio between gin and tonic water varies greatly by recipe. This is my suggestion, but feel free to experiment to find a recipe that works for you.

 

Elderflower Gin and Tonic
-1 1/2 oz Gin
-1/2 oz St. Germain
-Tonic Water
-Lime Wedge

Elderflower Gin and Tonic

If the standard Gin and Tonic is just to bitter for you, then this drink is a good choice. It uses St. Germain, an elderflower flavored liqueur that tastes less like elderflower and more like the laughter of kittens and the jiggle of breasts, with just a little bit of sugar. It’s very good.

This drink has a lovely aroma and taste, and the elderflower works with the flavor of the gin quite well. However, I’m going to recommend that instead of dropping the lime wedge into the drink, you squeeze the lime juice in and discard the wedge. The bitterness of the pith is very noticeable in this sweet drink, so you’re better off with just using the tartness of the lime juice to balance the drink.

In any case, make it the same way you would a regular Gin and Tonic, but with the added ingredient. Simple enough, right?

 

Witch’s Cocktail
-2 oz Gin
-Tonic Water
-Splash Crème de Cassis
-Lime Wedge

Witch's Cocktail

I don’t know what makes this drink witchy, but that’s the name the Internet tells me to use, so that’s the name I will use. Unfortunately, this is not as magical as the name implies. It’s not bad, but it’s probably not a drink I would choose again.

The crème de cassis gives this drink a jam-like flavor. With that, this kind of just becomes another overly-sweet and utterly generic cocktail. This drink is to cocktails what the latest Nicholas Sparks movie is to cinema.

Crème de cassis is usually used in small amounts because you really only need a small amount. I might have a different opinion about this drink if the recipe only called for a dash instead of a splash, but as it is it’s far too much with the relatively small amount that was added. In fact, the gin isn’t even all that noticeable, so it might as well be vodka instead. And If I used vodka instead, this would make it even more generic. Nothing against vodka at all. It’s just that it’s become the most popular liquor in the world by being overused to make cocktails that don’t taste alcoholic. And this just tastes like jelly.

In any case, if you feel the need to make this cloying concoction, make it the same as a regular Gin and Tonic, but add a splash of crème de cassis before you stir. Though, I do recommend that you use a dash instead of a splash. Otherwise, you might as well just make yourself a Gin and Tonic and eat grape jelly straight out of the jar.

 

Pink Gin and Tonic
-2 oz Gin
-Dash Angostura Bitters
-Tonic Water
-Lime Wedge

Pink Gin and Tonic

Ah, much better. This is a great way to follow that last cocktail, which just got way too sweet. If your cookies aren’t coming out right, yo should add salt. Similarly, if your cocktails aren’t coming out right, you should add bitters. This rule applies here, and I think I’ve found a better version of the classic G&T.

This drink, by the way, is actually a combination of two drinks: Pink Gin (also known as Gin and Bitters) and the classic Gin and Tonic. It’s interesting, and it works very well.

The bitters add a small amount of very welcome flavor, making this simple cocktail a lot more interesting. As always, you should never overdo the bitters, but they really add a lot here. This drink is very complex and very tasty. Plus, it’s a good way to make yourself feel like a classy motherfucker.

Make exactly how you expect to make it.

 

Cilantro Gin and Tonic
-2 oz Gin
-Tonic Water
-4 Cilantro Sprigs
-2 Lime Wedges

Cilantro Gin and Tonic

So, we’ve gone from sweet and generic to bitter and complex to weird and weird. This drink is apparently a real thing and not just something the Internet made up, which was convenient for me because I made some salsa this weekend, and then there was a lot of cilantro left over. Then my wife made some guacamole this weekend, and then there was a lot of cilantro left over. So then I decided to make this drink. And yet there is still a shit ton of cilantro left over. I know it would make it cost even less, but they should really sell cilantro in smaller bunches.

Anyway, this drink is fucking weird. It’s like Gary Busey in a rocks glass. They say that cilantro is one of those foods that you either love or hate. I guess I’m the exception to the rule who happens to be neutral about it. In any case, the aroma of this drink is nice, but the flavor itself is just plain odd. I suppose that the cilantro works with the gin well enough. I think the bottom line is that if you like cilantro, you’ll like this. If you don’t, then you already know that you should stay away.

If you want to enjoy this confusing concoction, start by muddling the gin, three cilantro sprigs, and one lime wedge in the bottom of a cocktail shaker. Shake it some without ice, and then strain it over ice into your glass. Fill with tonic water, stir gently, and garnish with a cilantro sprig and lime wedge.

 

Grandma’s Salty Dog
-2 oz Gin
-Grapefruit Juice
-Tonic Water
-Salt

Grandma's Salty Dog

I guess it’s a stereotype that old ladies drink gin. I don’t think my grandmothers did. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever saw any of my grandparents drink liquor. Not once. But I did see them drink — it was wine, mostly, as one might expect. And if we’re talking about my grandmother, with one of them I think about her drinking not gin, but single-serving size bottles of white zinfandel. The really cheap kind. That she also kept next to her bed. As my fiction writing teacher in college would say, that’s a telling and specific detail.

My grandmother drinking those small bottles of white zin is one of my favorite memories of her, and I’m sure that if you remember your grandmother drinking gin (especially if it happens to be straight from single-serving size bottles), it is one of your favorite memories of her. In that vein, I hope this cocktail does her justice, because it’s definitely kind of old-persony. I mean, gin and grapefruit juice. Is there anything more octogenarian than that?

This cocktail is also a combination of two other cocktails: the Salty Dog (which is traditionally made with vodka, not gin) and the Gin and Tonic. Just a nice little bit of information for you.

In any case, this is the first time I’ve tasted grapefruit juice and not hated it. As with a regular Salty Dog, the salt helps to cut the acidity. Or astringency. Or something. The salt makes it more bearable, okay? Don’t make me use fancy words. The flavors of the gin and tonic water also balnce the grapefruit juice out well, ultimately resulting in a very pleasant drink.

If you want to experience it, first use the grapefruit juice and salt to rim the glass. Then fill it with ice, add the gin, and then top with equal parts tonic water and equal parts grapefruit juice. Enjoy!

 

Denouement
What I’ve learned today is really that I shouldn’t spend so much time away from you guys. I’ll be back next week, and the week after that, and so on. I hope you all will be, too.


Chasing the Green Fairy: Absinthe

Hello, fellow imbibers. This week at Six Drinks Too Many, we are sophisticated. Refined, even.

That’s because this week we’re drinking that infamous green spirit known as absinthe. Absinthe only became legal in the United States in 2007 after a ban that lasted nearly a century. You see, back in the day, it was believed that absinthe caused mental problems — it would ruin your life and make you insane. People believed that the wormwood in absinthe was to blame, and thus it was banned.

However, today we know that the mind-degrading effects of absinthe were most likely thanks to heavy metal poisoning resulting from poor distillation processes of mass-produced absinthe. It turns out that if it’s well-made, absinthe is no more dangerous than any other alcoholic beverage — luckily for aesthetic purposes, its dark reputation survives.

The Notorious Drink

The Notorious Drink

Today it’s possible to buy true absinthe in the United States. Well, sort of, anyway. Legally speaking, an absinthe sold in the United States must be free of thujone, a constituent of wormwood. Thujone was the chemical blamed for the psychoactive effects of absinthe — though it is an extremely unlikely culprit. However, because of this rule, some people will tell you that absinthe without thujone is not true absinthe. On the other hand, though, wormwood itself is a completely legal ingredient, and can be included without breaking the legal limit on thujone. Wormwood has even been added to some absinthe substitutes since the ban was lifted. Chances are that only absinthe connoisseurs will care about whether their drink has thujone or not, and even then, this law isn’t enforced very well.

For the record, I consider a product in the absinthe category to be a true absinthe if it is a distilled spirit (as opposed to a liqueur, as is the case with most absinthe substitutes), has a high alcohol content (preferably above 60%), and contains wormwood. But if you’re one of the ones that needs that thujone, more power to you.

For the record, for all of these cocktails you can use an absinthe substitute such as Pernod or Herbsaint. It really depends on what you can get — but using real absinthe certainly has a unique appeal.

So, without further ado, let’s start drinking already.

 

Absinthe Drip
-1 to 3 oz Absinthe
-4 to 6 oz Ice-Cold Water
-Sugar Cube

Absinthe Drip

Absinthe Drip

This is the classic absinthe drink, clothed in ceremony and surrounded by mystique. Many of history’s greatest creative minds have been known to indulge in this classic cocktail — and perhaps it even lead to the demise of a few of them. Or at least their ears.

If you want to taste absinthe, this is the way to do it, at least to start out. It capitalizes on the unique anise flavor of the spirit, but dilutes it in a way to make it palatable to most people. The mouth feel is also very interesting; it’s almost fuzzy, in a way. And the cloudy white appearance is elegant and beautiful. Drinking an Absinthe Drip is an experience unlike any other.
Speaking as someone who isn’t all that big on anise, this is really a fantastic drink if made with a quality spirit. Even if you’re skeptical, it’s worth giving it a try if you’re interested at all in absinthe. And chances are that if you drink, you’re interested in absinthe.

Start by putting the absinthe in an ornate chalice (any glass will do, actually, but something elegant and refined is more appropriate). Then lay a perforated absinthe spoon across the top of the glass (you could use a regular fork if can’t find the traditional spoon, but it might look like something so tacky even Lady Gaga wouldn’t wear it). Put the sugar cube on the spoon and slowly pour the water over it so that it dissolves and drips into the glass. When you’re done, remove the spoon and enjoy.

The sugar cube, by the way, is a relic of when liquors were poorly made and far too harsh to drink straight. If you prefer, you can skip it when using one of today’s quality absinthes. But the water is still a good idea. The alcohol content of absinthe can get as high as 75%, and diluting it makes it a better drink, at least when starting out.

Next drink!

 

Sazerac
-1/2 tsp Absinthe
-2 oz Rye Whiskey
-1 tsp Simple Syrup
-4 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
-Lemon Twist

Sazerac

Sazerac

Here we have the New Orleans classic and cousin of the Old Fashioned. It’s interesting in that it uses absinthe more for its aroma rather than for its flavor. Of course, you also get a good amount of anise flavor from the bitters, along with some nice cherry and fruity notes.

Speaking of flavor, the rye does things that would not be possible with other whiskeys. It’s spicier, and almost scotch-like in this context. It’s not bad, but I think I’d prefer it with bourbon. However, tradition calls for rye, and so I use rye. But, perhaps I should also be doing away with tradition — I mean, slavery was tradition, too, and that wasn’t very cool.

This isn’t a drink for everyone. If you don’t like strong whiskey drinks, you won’t like this. If you do like strong whiskey drinks, though, then this can be a fantastic libation.

When making it, start by rimming an old fashioned glass with the lemon twist, and then set the twist aside. Then rinse the glass with the absinthe. To do this, put the absinthe in the glass and slowly turn the glass around so that the absinthe coats the inside. Discard any excess absinthe and put the glass in the freezer.

Then stir the rye, syrup, and bitters with ice until cold, and then strain into the prepared glass. Twist the lemon peel over the drink and drop it in.
Moving on!

 

Corpse Reviver
-3/4 oz Gin
-3/4 oz Lillet Blanc
-3/4 oz Cointreau
-3/4 oz Lemon Juice
-1 dash Absinthe

Corpse Reviver

Corpse Reviver

Corpse Revivers are a group of drinks that were invented because of the (incredibly stupid) idea that you can cure a hangover with more alcohol. There are a lot of different drinks that claim the name, many of which have been lost to history. This is one of the ones that has survived. This is also one which happens to use absinthe, so here we are!

In keeping with the name, this drink is surprisingly refreshing if you chill it well enough. And even though it might seem like something that some enterprising and misguided college freshman might mix together with whatever liquors they managed to get their hands on, the ingredients actually work quite well together. The gin an Lillet make a nice, martini-like base, while the absinthe creates an interesting dynamic with the orange and lemon flavors. This drink is surely unique and worth a try. Plus, the name is reminiscent of zombies, and that’s pretty cool. Cooler than whatever that college freshman would call it, anyway.

By the way, it might seem like a small amount of absinthe, but keep in mind that anise is one of those incredibly strong flavors that will overpower all of the other flavors in a drink if you let it. Really, a dash will do you.

So, stir the ingredients with ice and strain it into a martini glass. Be on the look out for zombies and other ghouls while you drink it.

Now, in honor of every college freshman, let’s drink something with nothing but alcoholic ingredients in it.

 

Earthquake
-1/2 oz Whiskey
-1/2 oz Absinthe
-1/2 oz Gin

Earthquake

Earthquake

According to The Savoy Cocktail Book (1930), this cocktail is “so-called because if there should happen to be an earthquake when you are drinking it, it won’t matter.” That is both a wonderful and terrible endorsement for a cocktail.

I’ll be honest — I’ not so sure I would make this drink again. It’s not that bad, but it’s not that special, either. I mean, how special can a few liquors thrown together really be? If you really want to get drunk that fast, you should just do shots.

There’s such a high proportion of absinthe in this that you’ll notice the anise more than anything else. However, if you pay attention, you’ll notice the robust flavor of the whiskey at the beginning of the drink, and then the more subtle notes of the gin as you swallow the liquid. And, of course, you’ll taste that heavy licorice taste throughout.

Making it is simple enough, anyway. Just shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into a martini glass. The type of whiskey isn’t specified, by the way. I used bourbon, because that’s the most common whiskey in cocktails, and it worked out well. Another good starting point would be Canadian whisky, as its smoothness and unobtrusiveness lends itself well to cocktails.

Now let’s get a little immature.

 

Monkey Gland
-2 oz Gin
-1 oz Orange Juice
-2 dashes Grenadine
-1 dash Absinthe

Monkey Gland

Monkey Gland

This is another old school cocktail, but its origins are a lot more amusing than most others. You see, there used to be this doctor. Dr. Serge Voronoff, we called him. Old Voronoff had an idea — an idea unlike any other. You see, Voronoff liked to graft monkey testicles onto the testicles of living, breathing, human men. Why? To combat the effects of aging, of course!

However, people were quick to turn this into an aphrodisiac, though Voronoff denied that the procedure had such effects — apparently he really knew his science when it came to monkey balls. Before long, severely misguided men were lining up around the block (think Phantom Menace lines) to put some monkey balls onto their own set to make them better lovers.

So, fellas, if you’ve ever felt insecure about your junk, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ve never felt so bad that you’ve wanted to graft monkey nuts onto your berries. And if you have, well, you clearly haven’t had enough to drink.

In any case, this long-forgotten cocktail commemorated this unfortunate spree of surgeries, and, truth be told, it’s not terrible. The grenadine provides a nice sweet counterpart to the anise flavor, all the while dancing on the flavorful citrus backdrop provided by the orange juice. Unfortunately though, the gin is all but unnoticeable. I might try this drink again in the future with vodka instead of gin to see if it makes much of a difference, but for now I think that the gin is irrelevant. I don’t taste it at all, not even as an aftertaste. That being said, the flavor is quite nice. I just think the more neutral vodka might be more appropriate than gin.

In any case, to make this just shake the ingredients with ice and strain it into a martini glass. Try not to make any obscene decisions while you drink it.

Last drink! Get excited!

 

Absinthe Kangaroo (Absinthe Martini)
-2 oz Vodka
-1 oz Absinthe
-Lime Twist

Absinthe Kangaroo

Absinthe Kangaroo

Kangaroo is another name for a Vodka Martini. Martini aficionados would no doubt prefer that you use it instead of “Martini,” which they would reserve to refer to their holy grail of gin and vermouth. Out of respect, I chose the term Kangaroo for this cocktail, though it certainly is very much inspired by the Martini blueprint — even though it contains neither gin nor vermouth.

This is a very elegant and simple drink. The absinthe really shines here, and the vodka provides a smooth backdrop to add to the overall feeling of the drink. If you think you can take the sheer amount of booze in this drink, by all means, go for it.

Simply shake the liquid ingredients with ice and strain it into a martini glass. Twist the lime peel over the drink and drop it in. Isn’t that pretty?

 

Denouement

What have we learned? Well, I learned that despite my sophomoric intoxicated tendencies, I can be classy too. Sometimes, that knowledge is all you need to make it through the day.


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