How Long Must We Drink This Drink? Mary, Bloody Marys (Part Two)

And so we’re back with part two of this little adventure with Bloody Marys, in which our noble hero further risks life and limb for the amusement of others, drinking terrible drinks, one of which is basically spiked barbecue sauce.

Anyway, I won’t keep you all waiting. As it turns out, I hate Bloody Marys no matter which day I post on. You know, I keep thinking to myself that there are a few drinks that are such classics that I will do multiple posts about them. Eventually I might do Rum and Cokes again. I’ll definitely do more than one Martini post, and Gin and Tonics might claim several weeks if I can find some good variations.

Someone will have to pay me to do Bloody Marys again. This was the worst. I hope you enjoy it.

(As a sidenote, we are still making these drinks how I made them in the Wednesday post. Refer back if you’re confused.)

 

Bloody Murder
-2 oz Gin
-4 oz Tomato Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Black Vinegar
-1/8 tsp Wasabi
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody Murder

Vinegar! And I do mean holy-fucking-shit vinegar. To give you an idea of how strong the vinegar is in this, know that I can’t taste the wasabi. At all. Or the gin. At all. I can really only taste tomato-y vinegar. This is a sentence I never thought I would type to an audience of anonymous strangers, but drinking Worcestershire sauce is a much better idea than drinking vinegar.

I’m gonna level with you, folks. These highball drinks aren’t getting me drunk enough to get through all of these concoctions. If I wasn’t a purist, I’d be shooting whiskey right now to get myself in a mood where I could handle this stuff. In fact, shooting straight whiskey is probably a better and healthier idea than drinking vinegar-based drinks. And tastier. Who knew that a blog where I get drunk every week would lead to bad decisions?

So, if you can get the proportions right so that the wasabi is a stronger flavor, this might be a neat drink if you’re into Bloody Marys, ’cause wasabi is a pretty neat little thing. It’s still weird that someone would think to make a drink like this in the first place, of course, but to each their own.

Also, if you’re like me, and you waited until the last minute and can’t find black vinegar at Harris Teeter and you don’t feel like going to the international food market to look for it, balsamic vinegar works as a replacement.

Now get ready for these last two variations, because we’re done with tomato juice! (WHAT? How is that even possible?)

 

Bloody LeRoy
-2 oz Vodka
-4 oz Barbecue Sauce (you read that right)
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

The Bloody LeRoy

So, apparently this a thing. The fact that this is a thing is a pretty good reason why the human race is probably better off exterminated, but, nonetheless, this is still a thing. Thank you, America.

Drinking barbecue sauce is one of those ideas that only fat stoners get — and then later regret.

That being said, I actually prefer this cocktail to the regular Bloody Mary. When I was a kid, I discovered that any inedible food can be made edible by simply smothering it in barbecue sauce. It worked wonders when my grandparents cooked. Anyway, apparently that rule is still true, and it even applies to cocktails. I’m really not sure how I feel about that.

The extra ingredients make it a little weird (I mean, weirder than it already is), but it’s not all that terrible. Of course, I’m the guy who decided to willingly drink spiced barbecue sauce and vodka, so maybe you should take whatever I say with a grain of salt. I mean, there’s no way to drink this without feeling like a disgusting fatass, even if it does taste alright.

So, it’s spicier than a regular Bloody Mary, but it also went down easier for me. I didn’t shake and strain this, by the way, because I thought the barbecue sauce would be too thick for that. So I built it in the glass and stirred it. I also used about an ounce of lemon juice instead of the regular half ounce to help thin it out more.

Try it if you have no shame. Chances are you won’t completely regret, a fact for which I am sorry.

 

Commander White
-2 oz Vodka
-4 oz Pineapple Juice
-1/2 oz Lemon Juice
-2 to 3 dashes Tabasco Sauce
-2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
-Salt
-Lemon Wedge
-Celery Stick

Have you ever thought to yourself “Gee, this pineapple juice sure is good, but it would be vastly improved by such savory characters as the sauces Tabasco and Worcestershire.” If you have, then you are an asshole, and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.

But also, if you have, you might like this drink.

This is smoother than the tomato juice versions, but really, why would you do this to pineapple juice? What has it ever done to you to deserve this? Pineapple juice can be improved by a lot of things, and salt isn’t one of them.

And that brings me to an important point. A good mixed drink ought to be an improvement on its ingredients. This drink is improved by the pineapple juice, but the pineapple juice is not improved by being a part of this drink.

Now that I think about it, this is true of all of these drink recipes: The sum is less than its parts. Many will disagree with me, but the Bloody Mary just doesn’t perform the way a cocktail should. A cocktail ought to take the individual ingredients and turn them into something better than what they are alone. All of the ingredients of a Bloody Mary — even the condiments — taste better on their own. Fan of the drink will of course disagree, but that’s why I think I hate this drink.

So, drink this version and the other drinks if you must. If you enjoy Bloody Marys, good for you, but in all honesty, I don’t trust you. Pick a better cocktail.

 

Denouement
So, kids, what have we learned this week? I learned that old friendships with former tastes cannot always be reforged, as tomato juice is now disgusting to me. I also learned that barbecue sauce is the eternal savior of bad dishes, even when it shouldn’t be.

Mostly I learned that I hate Bloody Marys, and I will likely never want to taste one again. Though something tells me I will at some point, and that’s as good a reason as any to fear the future.

Good luck drinkers, and drink responsibly!


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